THE latest Westminster Government initiative to drive down the horrendous level of youth unemployment is to give a hoodie a job.
Employment Minister Chris Grayling is urging companies not to take the obvious option of hiring a hard-working, experienced, motivated person who has travelled from far-flung parts of Eastern Europe to get work. Instead, he says, give a chance to "a surly young man in a hoodie" who may turn out to be a gem of an employee.
The Department of Work and Pensions has issued the following guidelines for surly young people seeking employment:
During the job interview, give monosyllabic answers. If in doubt just say "Yeah, whatever". Even if you don't have a hoodie, borrow one for the occasion. Avoid eye contact wherever possible as this skill will come in handy for ignoring customers and clients. This will be easy since your face is almost entirely hidden.
Be sure to tick all the boxes on the application form, including feckless, workshy, and regular user of recreational drugs. Ask if the cold drinks dispenser in the office offers white cider and Buckfast.
Ask what is the yearly allowance of duvet days. Ask if Mondays and Fridays are compulsory.
Demand that your mum be able to represent you in case of any disciplinary procedures. Point out your gran is available as back-up advisor.
Make sure your CV has full details of previous employment. Such as experience in the world of finance when you sat outside Starbucks clutching an empty paper cup asking passers-by if they had any spare change. Or your career in logistics when you helped mother carry home the stuff she shoplifted from M&S.
The DWP guidelines for employers include advice on:
n Carrying out thorough background checks on applicants. The young person claiming to be a hoodie with one complimentary O-level in domestic science may actually have a PhD in nuclear physics and is just desperate to get any kind of job.
n How to let down gently an interviewee who is obviously not hoodie material. Or whose father is not in your masonic lodge. Or who is a clever and assiduous Eastern European masquerading as a dull, lazy British youth.
Just say that the company is looking for staff with more tattoos and bits of metal inserted in body parts.
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