Polls show support for Scottish independence is at its highest level in recent times.

This is despite (or maybe because of) Danny Alexander and Michael Moore being sent north by their Coalition bosses to make speeches warning of dire consequences.

It seems the Unionist camp will have to come up with better ways of making Scots voters feart.

This column, as ever, is here to help and here are some reasons to be fearful:

  • There is no oil left and no fish either.
  • If there’s any oil or fish left, it belongs to Westminster.
  • Without the annual subsidy of £13bn (or fill in your own imagined figure) from England, Scotland will suffer famine on an unimaginable scale.
  • There will also be pestilence. (There is no evidence for this but we thought we would chuck it into the debate anyway.)
  • It’s only been 304 years since the union of the parliaments. Let’s give it a bit more time.
  • If Scotland leaves the United Kingdom, it will not be allowed back in.
  • Scots may have to ask to join a federated Norway.
  • If Scotland causes any bother, England will invade again. It will be Flodden, not Bannockburn.
  • If Scotland joins the euro, it will be financial suicide.
  • If Scotland opts for its own currency, the pound Scots would be at the mercy of international speculators. If Scotland sticks with sterling, the pound would be threatened by the break-up of the Union.
  • Scottish soldiers will not be able to die heroically in British wars.
  • Scottish weather will get worse as climate change heralds a new ice age.
  • Scotland will become an arid desert because of global warming.
  • The Queen won’t be happy about independence. She may refuse to be Elizabeth I, Queen of Scots.
  • David Cameron won’t be happy. He has pledged to save the Union with every fibre of his being.
  • After independence, the Scotland cricket team will not be allowed to play in any English competitions.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned.