For an evil terrorist overlord, Osama bin Laden seems to have been an awfy good neighbour.
The Americans searched every cave on the Khyber Pass and there was Osama the bloke next door in Bilal Town, the Bearsden of the scenic Pakistani city of Abbottabad.
Like many good neighbours, the bin Ladens “kept themselves to themselves”. Folk in Bilal Town said the people in the big house didn’t get out much, probably because they were religious. Or they just stayed in to enjoy the views from the back garden to the surrounding hills. There was a clue. It was said locally that the tall bearded man had moved to the tranquility of Bilal Town “due to some enmity” in Peshawar. But they were always polite when popping into the bakery for the morning rolls with nary a Kalashnikov in sight.
You too may have an awfy good neighbour. The bloke who keeps himself to himself. Keen gardener; digging and laying patios even at the dead of night. The serial killer.
In Bearsden, Scotland, it is neighbourly to observe the dress code when taking out the rubbish. No aprons, track suits or trainers. In some locales, an awfy good neighbour will score you drugs, tobacco with foreign words on the packet, or a bottle of vodka with the supermarket electronic tag still on. Three-piece suites stolen to order take longer.
True story about a youth convicted of knife assault who declares a previous attack. His lawyer says there is no mention of this on his record. “I stabbed the man next door. He didnae report it tae the polis. I’ve got awfy good neighbours.”
n He’s very good to his mum. (He killed his dad.)
n There’s never a dull moment with the young guy upstairs. He loves his dogs. (I am demented with the loud music but too scared of his pit bull terriers to complain.)
n The man next door is a genius with his hands. He’s always in our place fixing things I didn’t even know were broken. (He’s having an affair with your wife.)
n The woman next door shares my passion for gardening. (You’re having an affair with the DIY bloke’s wife. Mostly in her garden shed.)
n We have awfy good neighbours but I’ve never actually spoken to them. (Insert reference to Morningside.)
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