THE latest invention from the USA involves man candles which emit odours appropriate to the male psyche.
They come in such scents as Riding Mower, which evokes hot sun, cool breeze and freshly cut grass. And 2x4, freshly planed wood and sawdust.
Here are some man candles which may shortly be available for the Scottish market:
Sweetie Shop: the unmistakable aroma of McCowans Highland Toffee with hints of puff candy, soor plooms, and a lucky potato dusted in cinnamon.
Hampden circa 1950: the essence of a packed terracing at a Scotland-England match. Wet tweed bunnet, McEwan's Pale Ale, spearmint, macaroon bar and manly pheromones wafting gently up from damp black ash underfoot.
Granny's Hielan Hame: peat, heather, oatmeal-covered herring fried in butter. Granny's Gorbals Hame: ham ribs and cabbage, menthol snuff, whisky, and that sweet bouquet doon in the wee room underneath the stairs.
You will notice food features prominently in my Tommy Fullfigure range of designer candles. You simply must light a Full Scottish Breakfast with Stornoway black pudding, is-that-your-Ayrshire-bacon, Milanda fried bread, egg, and the bit of tomato you never eat. The hangover version has the fragrance of Lorne sausage in a floury roll cut by the tang of diet Irn-Bru.
Chip Shop has notes of haddock, pickled onion and non-brewed condiment. Salt'n'sauce if you're from Edinburgh. Ruby Murray is the full bhoona with incense of pakora, poppadum, spiced onion and a wee belch of Tennent's lager.
There will be outdoor redolences. The Munro, which may just be fresh air but I don't know since I've never been up one. Glasgow Subway: that indefinable aura of St Enoch underground station in the rush hour.
Finally, the Independence Candle: Hugh MacDiarmid's little white rose of Scotland that smells sharp and sweet – and breaks the heart.
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