G4S, the company responsible for the London Olympics security shambles, is after the contract for the Glasgow Commonwealth Games.
Far be it from me to deny the 2014 games organisers the lavish hospitality that tends to accompany discussion of such bids (loads of Olympic jollies, no doubt) but I think Glasgow can do better on its own. For a start the £10 million budget could be spent in the city.
There is no shortage in these parts of egregious bouncers. Legendary, even. You will have seen them in action outside hostelries, music halls and discotheques.
There will be an element of re-training required to acquaint these personnel of the different parameters required for the Commonwealth Games.
They will have to relax their usual ban on trainers. It will be embarrassing if races are cancelled because the athletes could not gain admittance to the stadium. If there is a dress code banning tracksuits, not only competitors but half the population of Glasgow will be excluded from venues.
The bouncers must not turn away spectators with the admonition: "Sorry, pal, you're out of your face with the Lucozade."
They must not try the traditional excuse "regulars only" considering that there have only been two Commonwealth games in Scotland and the last one was in 1986.
Bouncers used to the rough and tumble of Glasgow nightlife will have to adopt a more friendly and conciliatory approach to the public. They must abandon the concept of "Please do not argue with the security staff as a punch in the face can often offend."
Glasgow might do well not to go for so-called professional stewarding which, as we know, can be unreliable not to mention sullen. Call upon the general public to donate their services. The Barcelona Olympics of 1992 were extremely friendly, due mainly to the thousands of volunteers trained to welcome visitors and advise on the joys of the city.
Glasgow could do the same. Dragging people to the Burrell Collection. Giving directions to the nearest Gregg's. Explaining what Gaun Yersel means.
The volunteer kit will be simple: a Primark T-shirt, a baseball hat turned backwards and a packet of bubblegum.
As a deterrent to terrorists, some volunteers' T-shirts will have the message: "This is Glesca. We'll set aboot ye."
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