News from the research laboratories of Imperial College is that microchips can help cut obesity.
Well, of course, they will. If you eat tiny wee French fries instead of great big chunky chips you're bound to put on less weight. Or if you eat micro chips that come in a box that goes into the microwave and contain just a smidgen of oil.
Hold on, I've just read further down in the article. It's silicon chips not potato chips that can prevent the descent into obesity. What you need to do is attach an intelligent implantable modulator with clip-on cuff electrodes to the vagus nerve in the peritoneal cavity of the abdomen.
Animal trials of the electronic implants are about to begin and if you are an obese politician, journalist, or merchant banker you may well qualify.
The vagus nerve is the main information highway between the brain and the digestive system. The microchip can decipher when the nerve is sending out a "gimme grub and gimme it now" message. It then transmits an electrical signal to the brain which reduces the urge to eat.
It is a much more sophisticated approach than cutting off the stomach with a gastric band. Plus the tiny chip is easily removed.
The silicon chip inside your gut can have other beneficial effects. The vagus nerve also controls the way we breathe, our heart rate, even reproductive functions.
Neural stimulation not only gives a feeling of having a full stomach, it creates a feeling of relaxation and may be effective in treating depression.
For those who may not fancy the insertion of even the smallest silicon chip into the body, there are ways to stimulate the vagus nerve without surgery. These techniques include holding your breath, placing a cold, wet cloth over your face and tensing your abdomen as if in anticipation of a punch in the stomach.
If you want to avoid the temptation of eating that last slice of lemon meringue pie or the remnants of the bhoona lamb from the night before, here's what to do. Take long, deep breaths at the same time as you rub your coupon down with a cool, moist shammy. Also step away from the fridge. Or have it fitted with a lock and a code known only to your personal trainer or carer.
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