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sobriety rules

Strathclyde Police Chief Constable Stephen House has called for a crackdown on bars and clubs which sell alcohol to customers who are obviously drunk.

He told the Changing Cultures conference in Glasgow of drinkers who spend long hours in licensed premises and emerge as a danger to themselves and a liability to public order.

The police have powers in regard to the sale of alcohol to the inebriated but there is a strong case for self-regulation by pubs and clubs. Most premises will already refuse service if the customer a) has no money left or b) has been asleep in the toilet for more than an hour.

Some stricter criteria will have to be considered, such as if the customer:

l Has lost the power of speech.

l Retains the power of speech but has slipped off the bar stool and is kneeling on the floor.

l Has been singing Who's Been Polishing The Sun? on a loop for more than two hours.

l Insists on proving sobriety by repeating: "The Leith police dismisseth us."

l Has invited the barman and barmaid individually and collectively to a sleepover.

l Is shouting out the answers to the pub quiz.

l Has asked for the karaoke to be stopped so the whole pub can have a serious debate on the wording of the question to be put in the independence referendum.

l Insists on proving sobriety by walking in a straight line along the bar counter.

l Greets the two police officers who have popped into the pub for a spot check by humming the theme from Z-Cars and shouting: "Funny polis!"

l Is using a smartphone to google a Gaelic translation for the lyrics of Who's Been Polishing The Sun?

l On being denied credit offers to swap an iPad for a large Macallan.

The individual drinker must also take responsibility and realise too much drink is being taken if:

l You spend so much time in the pub that your son calls another man Daddy.

l You are singing harmony with the bloke belting out Who's Been Polishing The Sun?

l You spend so much in the pub that you have not been barred despite taking off all your clothes and asking if anyone wants a game of hoopla.

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