Home Secretary Theresa May is to introduce a stiffer and more patriotic citizenship tests for would-be migrants.
Applicants will have to recite the first verse of the English national anthem and answer questions on such cultural icons as Winston Churchill, Lord Byron, Florence Nightingale and William Shakespeare.
I presume there is or will be a Scottish version of the exam. If there isn't, the government can have this one:
l Where shall we send proud Edward's army? a) Homeward to think again; b) Saltcoats for their holidays; c) the Edinburgh International Tattoo.
l To what extent should we support the Scotland football team? a) A million miles for one of their goals; b) 500 miles just to be the one who fell down at the door; c) up to four.
l Under what circumstances are you allowed to shove your granny aff a bus? a) Never; b) when the bus is stationary; c) any time you like as long as she's your daddy's mammy.
l What does mony a mickle mak? a) No sense whatsoever; b) a muckle; c) part of a McDonald's Happy Meal.
l Which religious group is responsible for Scotland's sectarian shame? a) Cafflick cats; b) proddie dogs; c) all of them with the possible exception of the Episcopalians who seem a nice, quiet bunch.
l Who was Macbeth? a) A figment of Shakespeare's imagination; b) a real Scottish king; c) another constituent part of a McDonald's Happy Meal.
l Which hero led Scotland to freedom from the yoke of English colonisation? a) Bonnie Prince Robbie the Bruce; b) Mel Gibson; c) Alex Salmond the Brave.
Now an audio question. Listen to this record by the Bay City Rollers and choose an option: a) wear denims with tartan turn-ups and sing shang-a-lang as you run with the gang doing do wop de dooby do ay; b) take refuge in a Scottish cringe; c) say they weren't all that bad for a band from Edinburgh.
Some questions we don't want to see in a Scottish citizenship test: what school did you go to? Are you on the level, on the square, or the widow's son? (Illustrate with appropriate handshake.)
Questions that should be asked: Have you come a long way? You must be tired, would you like a wee cup of tea and a scone?
We moderate all comments on HeraldScotland on either a pre-moderated or post-moderated basis. If you're a relatively new user then your comments will be reviewed before publication and if we know you well then your comments will be subject to moderation only if other users or the moderators believe you've broken the rules, which are available here.
Moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours. Please be patient if your posts are not approved instantly.