those who say No

Columnist

Tuesday 22 May 2012

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is to join the No campaign.

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Tom Shields on …

He is the first of many big-name recruits drafted in to save the Union. Here is the line-up and key roles they will play in the referendum debate:

Johann Lamont will be in charge of oratory and rhetoric. She will make a series of fiery, rousing speeches. Alistair Darling will be her warm-up man, as well as making the sandwiches for the committee meetings at his house in Edinburgh.

Mr Blair will be doing the sincerity. His granny from Govan, his grandpa who worked in the shipyards, his faither who went to Govan High School, his own happy school days at Fettes.Alastair Campbell, Mr Blair's former spin doctor, will be official bagpipe player for the No campaign. He will also edit dossiers to prove that weapons of mass destruction will explode all over Scotland within 45 minutes of a Yes vote.George W Bush teams up once again with Mr Blair. Mr Bush will be in charge of philosophy, strategy and coaching Ms Lamont with her keynote fiery, rousing speeches. He will also spend time on Mr Darling's sofa watching TV and choking on pretzels.Baroness Thatcher, sadly, is not well enough to participate. But a roadshow with video excerpts from the Iron Lady's speeches will tour miners' welfare clubs and community halls in former steel-producing areas.Annabel Goldie and Charles Kennedy will form a comedy musical double act performing routines made famous by Chic Murray and his wife Maidie. The songs and patter will be interspersed with homilies about the benefits of the Union.Mel Gibson will make broadcasts dressed in full Braveheart fig on behalf of the No campaign. He will explain that William Wallace was not in favour of full independence from King Edward but merely wanted more fiscal autonomy and less robust community policing.Michael Moore will make a trenchant documentary called Alex & Me exposing the poverty, ill health and gun crime which would blight an independent Scotland dominated by rampant capitalism and extremist interest groups. The Lib-Dem Scottish Secretary will put on weight, grow a beard, and wear a baseball cap so viewers might think it's a film by Michael Moore the American bloke.David McLetchie will be in charge of logisitics. Mostly taxis.

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those who say No

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