There is to be legislation allowing heterosexual as well as gay couples to have a civil partnership.

This is expected to be a precursor of a whole range of arrangements to replace the ancient institution of matrimony. These will include:

The Quite Civil Partnership where the couple promise to try not to fight in public.

The Really Civil Partnership where both parties are nice to each other even in private.

The Uncivil Partnership where any behaviour not proscribed by the Geneva Convention is permitted because the couple are only staying together for the sake of the mortgage.

The Servile Partnership, not entirely unlike the aforementioned ancient institution of marriage. For the woman this may entail being barefoot, pregnant and tied to the kitchen sink. She will do all the housework, including ironing his socks, in addition to holding down two part-time jobs. She is allowed to wear her shoes while out at work. For the male in a servile partnership, no plans must be made until the orders of the day have been issued from high command. When asked about what's going on just say: "I haven't been told yet." It is a capital offence to take home a broken pay packet. (Ask your grandpa.) The modern equivalent of the unbroken pay packet is that she has the passwords to the joint internet bank account but he doesn't. She has his bank cards in her purse for safe-keeping.

The Platonic Partnership. The couple are really good friends. Their calm and comfortable relationship is unhindered by sexual tensions since, like Plato, he is gay and she goes on holiday to Lesbia. Not to be confused with the Plutonic Partnership where they don't get on at all but are staying together for the sake of the dog.

The Penpal Partnership. To keep the magic of the relationship alive and on the grounds that distance lends enchantment, she lives in Newton Mearns while he is in his bachelor flat in Bearsden. They meet for dinner in the city centre and, of course, are in constant touch via Facebook.

The Close Family Partnership. A domestic arrangement which is less common but occasionally was to be found in such places as rural Ayrshire. Unlikely to be formalised by any future legislation as she may be his auntie. Note to sub-editor: could you please check if it's legal in Ayrshire to marry your auntie.

The Mail-Order Partnership. Usually involves an eastern European woman who declares undying love for a lonely and hopeful male at a ceremony involving Visa or Mastercard.

tom shields Perfect partnerships

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