THE Labour Party has been forced to carry out a damage limitation exercise after the backlash over the plan by Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls to cut state allowances for those who live cheaply up north.
A Labour spokesperson said: "There has been a total misunderstanding. Ed Balls is not proposing a benefit cap. His idea is to give each claimant a brand new flat cap just like Keir Hardie used to wear. Females may opt for a cosy shawl. We want folk to keep warm as they go from call centre to call centre looking for work.
"To keep up the spirits all jobseekers will be given an mp3 player preloaded with a Whistle While You Don't Work medley. It will include the George Formby hit I'm Standing at a Lamp Post at the Corner of the Street Because I've Nothing Else to Do and Gracie Fields singing The Biggest App Disaster in the World."
Mr Balls, MP for Ecky Thump East, said that while a Labour government could not reverse any cuts made by the present Coalition, all northern regions and not just the bits in his own constituency will be made a special case.
New emergency measures will include:
l A whippet allowance which can be claimed in parallel with existing child benefit. Ferrets also qualify but at a reduced rate.
l Changes in health and safety laws to permit children to work up chimneys but with strict height and width limitations and soot quotas.
l Relaxation of planning laws to permit people to keep coal in the bath, thus freeing up bunkers for use as B&B accommodation.
l Subsidies on tripe and chips, black pudding, and cow heel pie. A healthy eating initiative will promote such local recipes as racing pigeon pie.
l Atos, the company which carries out medical checks on claimants, will be told to build a northern perspective into their assessment processes. Outcomes will be classed as: right poorly, poorly, and not at all poorly so fit for work. Male claimants wearing the aforementioned Keir Hardie bunnet will be allowed to self-certificate for the new Andy-Capp sore back benefit.
lA range of new mobility allowances to allow people more easily to get to t' foot of their stairs.
In a bid to return the north to the good old days of the last Labour government (Jim Callaghan circa 1979) Mr Balls pledged significant investment in the construction of a new generation of dark, satanic mills.
tom shields Poor up north
on ...
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