FAR down a list of suggestions as to how Glasgow's buses might be improved would be the bright idea: let's change the numbers.

But that's what First, the city's biggest transportation franchise, has done. What you must do now is stop a number 6 and ask the driver: "Is this the bus formerly known as a 66?" He will say yes and on you get.

If two 6s turn up at the same time, it's definitely a 66. If three are in convoy, be afraid, for it is a 666 and this is the number of the beast.

There is no excuse for three turning up at once. Unlike the old days when drivers would go in wagon-train formation for protection from natives in outlying reservations chucking spears at the buses.

There is no empirical evidence of Glaswegians ever chucking spears at buses. It comes from a piece of literary licence by writer and director Morag Fullarton when she did the musical play Glasvegas during the city's 1990 year of culture. The sub-text to the title was: "Glasgow: a city where some are born great, some achieve greatness and some are still chucking spears at buses." It was actually half-bricks but spears sounded more interesting.

More recently Morag wrote the brilliantly funny short play Casablanca: the Director's Cut which I would say is even better than the much-lauded Black Watch but I can't because I didnae see that one.

Meanwhile, back on the buses the renumbering is just part of a major revamp by First. The project is called simpliCITY. Yes, the marketing people are getting all illiterATE again with their disregard for capITAL letters.

In the quest for simplicity, other numbers have been cut back. The 44 is now 4. But letters have been added adding compleXITY. There now buses answering to 1A, 1B, 1C, and 1D in an alphabetti spaghetti route. It's nice of First to go to all this bother but is the marketing hype necessary? What is needed for adequate public transport?

Modern buses that have low carbon emission and are not too shoogly. Drivers who do not yank on the brakes just when old folk with walking sticks, ladies laden with shopping, and mothers with prams stand up ready to get off. Bus stops with timetables, preferably digital, and detailed route maps so you don't need encyclopaedic knowledge that would win Mastermind.

Cheaper fares, say a £1 ticket to go anywhere in the city in the space of an hour using any bus and subway. Safe buses with nobody getting chibbed on the upper deck.

And clean buses. Nobody allowed on with chips unless sharing with all other passengers.

tom shields Simple buses

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