Tom Shields Royal teacakes, to go

Columnist

Sunday 29 January 2012

AS a dutiful daughter-in-law, the Duchess of Cornwall should be spending time looking after the Queen.

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She has done the next best thing and asked the schoolchildren of Britain to invent simple and nutritious dishes to sustain Her Majesty through the diamond jubilee celebrations.

What would I set before an octogenarian monarch who should have been retired 20 years ago? A cup of Complan and a digestive biscuit. Just the job for a sit-down and a wee read about her extended European royal family in Hello!

With her many stewards of the household, chefs, cup-bearers and other catering lackeys, the Queen does not need schoolchildren to construct a menu. It's a patronising ploy to involve the proles in the party.I will play along with another suggestion. A roll on swan. The royal family is allowed to eat these big birdies. Just the one would not be missed from the flock or herd (actually the collective noun is a game of swans) down at Glasgow's Rouken Glen. As it's a gift from the loyal subjects of the west of Scotland, we would send it already deep-fried.Once when I was a boy, I thought we were having swan for our dinner. It said Zwan on the tin. It turned out to be spam by another name.The anti-monarchy group Republic has declared that it may be illegal for schools to give weans lessons about cooking for the royal family. Under the Education Act, there is a duty to teach children that there is an alternative form of government called republicanism.The Republic folk should just get into the spirit of things and come up with a recipe for abdication chicken. Ekaterinburg cake instead of Battenberg.These dishes would be, in Dundee parlance, to tak awa. Or, as the Americans say, to go.

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Tom Shields Royal teacakes, to go

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