There is a lot of free advice about.
Prince William tells us it is not a good idea to kill rhino for the supposed aphrodisiacal properties of the animal's horn. The prince says those who do so are "extremely ignorant, selfish and utterly wrong".
Should I ever need guidance on not slaughtering wildlife the last door I would be chapping on is that of the House of Windsor. Willie Windsor's family have a long tradition of blasting feathered creatures out of the sky and downing four-legged prey. Some people might say they go about this in a manner which is extremely ignorant, selfish and utterly wrong.
To make his in-laws the Middletons feel welcome, William invited them up to Balmoral so they too could take pot-shots at passing wildlife. I don't want to give the impression the royals spend all their time hunting in the Highlands. Sometimes they go to Sandringham, their hoose in Norfolk, to reduce the population of God's creatures.
And speaking of God, the Free Presbyterian Church of Scotland has an exhortation for us on the subject of the referendum on independence. Do not vote Yes. Any change "would be a provocation of God".
Apparently, God has joined the No campaign. He is often to be found having tea at Alistair Darling's house discussing tactics. God will be the warm-up act when Charles Kennedy and Annabel Goldie take their Save the Union cabaret round the working men's clubs of Scotland.
Actually, I made up all that stuff about God saying No. That's just the opinion of the Free Presbyterians who say Unionism guarantees "Christian religion in its position at the heart of the nation- the Bible clearly teaches that".
I am fully prepared to take instruction from the Presbyterians (Big or Wee) on how to chain up swings on the Sabbath, how to wear a Crombie coat, how to ban sex in case it leads to dancing, and generally disapprove of anyone anywhere having a bit of fun. But I can't believe there's a bit in the Bible, old or new testament, that says Scots must not run their own country.
Tomorrow: recommendations from the Royal Bank of Scotland on how to look after your money; from George Osborne on how to deconstruct a Budget; and from Walter Smith on how to buy Rangers.
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