CHANCELLOR OF the Exchequer George Osborne says zero hours contracts may not be a bad thing.

It depends how they are used.

For those unfamiliar with how the system works, here is a short guide. The employee gets a phone call saying not to turn up or is perhaps turned away at the factory or call-centre door because the shift that day consists of zero hours. This is also known as a zero pay contract.

There are two knock-on effects. The employer saves money which can be passed on to shareholders or used for management bonuses. The employee may encounter some difficulties such as keeping a roof over their children's heads or buying them shoes.

It is a system which probably made Britain great in the days of dark satanic mills. It is easier to be an industrial powerhouse when the workforce is flexible. The good news is that father does not have to go down the pit and the weans up a chimney. The bad news is that there will be no food next week.

Mr Osborne, pictured, says the Government wants "to make sure that contracts are used in the proper way". Peter Cheese, chief executive of the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development, (presumably quite a big cheese in the world of work) agrees. He says there needs to be a "closer look" at the terms of a zero-hours contracts and "clearer guidance on what good and bad practice in their use looks like".

So let's see how zero hours can be used to deal, for instance, with reducing public spending. Not much savings to be made by taking money away from a school dinner lady. But how about Mr Osborne and his many advisors being put on zero hours?

Tell the Chancellor he is surplus to requirement. We have found a clever book-keeper who actually has a degree in economics and who is quite far down the Treasury pay chain to do his job.

And, Mr Osborne, no need to turn up at the House of Commons. We are putting Parliament on an even longer holiday than usual. Zero hours, zero pay, and zero expenses all round, of course. We will try and get by for a wee while with the legislation we've already got.

And all those directors of publicly-owned banks earning hundreds of thousands of pounds for two days a month? They're going on zero days. Zero bonuses as well.