Lies, deception ... and Alex Salmond’s morris dancing secret

Director Chris Atkins and his team had particular fun revealing how some newspapers will publish almost any load of bollocks if it involves a celeb.

The film-makers expose the lies, deception, and underhand methods of the tabloid press by using their own lies, deception, and underhand methods.

The difference is the film-makers do so in the pursuit of truth and justice.

The film sets out to be serious and entertaining in the style of that fat American bloke called Michael Whatsisname. But let’s not go down the celebrity road.

As part of their modus operandi, the film-makers invented some pretty crazy stories which they fed to tabloid journalists.

These tales were printed, and often embellished, without any recourse to checking facts.

Shocking, or what.

The snippets of information eagerly seized upon by the tabloid gossip columnists were silly as well as fictitious. Amy Winehouse’s beehive hairdo caught fire at a party, Peaches Geldof’s bust looks big because she keeps a packet of pick’n’mix sweeties in her bra.

A Starsuckers researcher phoned a newspaper pretending to be the wife of a removal man who had recently done a flitting for Sarah Harding, above, a member of a popular beat combo called Girls Aloud. Among Ms Harding’s stuff was a large number of books on quantum physics and a telescope.

The details of her “secret stargazing” appeared under the headline: “Sarah’s a real boffin.”

As you will see, no celebrities were seriously damaged by the fabrication of these stories. Slightly more worrying was when representatives of three Sunday newspapers were filmed queuing up to get access to fake information about which celebs had undergone cosmetic surgery.

They were particularly keen on the “story” about Ricky Gervais getting a nose job to look like David Hasselhoff.

As one who toiled in a journalistic vineyard for many years trying to bring amusing if trivial tales to fruition, I can understand the temptations that face these gossip columnists. You can spoil a good story by checking the facts too rigorously.

Bear in mind that people, notably politicians and their media minders, will kill a perfectly true item by telling a bare-faced lie. An element of deviousness is required on the part of the journalist to deny opportunities for prevarication.

It is wise, for instance, to establish that the subject of alleged goings-on was somewhere near the locus. It prevents such letters of complaint as: “Dear Mr Shields, I was interested to read your report of my involvement in an incident last week at the Edinburgh Festival.

“Sadly, for you and your informant, I can prove I was in New York at the time.”

The makers of Starsuckers provide on their website a guide on “How to sell a fake story”. They say: “The celebrity world is riddled with flakes, bullshitters, alcoholics, layabouts, coke heads, speed freaks, acid baskets and – worst of all – PRs. The basic fee for a celebrity tip in a nightclub is £50, which is co-incidentally the going rate for a gram of cocaine.”

The golden rule is apparently: “Be funny. Humour is a far more valued commodity to a tabloid journalist than the truth; so the more they laugh the less they check.” They give as an example: “Maybe you were at your sister’s birthday in Café de Paris when David Walliams farted God Save the Queen.”

There is money as well as fun to be had from this pursuit, the website says. Some tabloids will pay as much as £600 for a juicy item.

But please do not phone this column with your fake stories. Firstly, we adhere to the strictest code of journalistic ethics.

Secondly, we don’t have a budget for such matters. In any case, we can make up our own stories. Did you know, for instance, that:

- First Minister Alex Salmond is a secret morris dancer. When he’s in London he likes nothing better than to don the baldricks and bells and wave his white hankie about. To prove this, we have photos of Alex in the full kit. Or at least we will have once our graphic artist has finished faking a few images on Photoshop.

- Loraine Kelly, our very own down-to-earth Scottish lassie off the telly, actually leads a life of unimaginable luxury. She sends her chauffeur in the Silver Phantom Rolls-Royce down to Greggs for the sausage rolls. She bathes in Irn-Bru (diet) and exfoliates with a macaroon bar.

- In the privacy of his Edinburgh home, Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling likes to wear a white rhinestone jumpsuit and lip-sync to Sydney Devine albums. His favourite number is Tiny Bubbles.

- A little-known fact about Scottish Tory leader Annabel Goldie is that she is an accomplished cage-fighter. Known as the Bishopton Bruiser, Annabel is undefeated in nearly 100 bouts. She says that if she does not win power in the next Holyrood elections, she will quit politics and launch her own range of lycra fightwear.

- Gordon Ramsay is addicted to Knorr Pot Noodles. He is particularly fond of the Bombay Bad Boy variety.

- Sir Sean Connery only pretends to be a tax exile. He actually lives in sheltered housing in Fountainbridge, near his Edinburgh birthplace.

If any of these above facts should happen to coincide with the truth, I apologise for intruding on the personal lives of these wonderful Scottish men and women who undoubtedly have a highly-developed sense of humour and would not consider consulting their lawyers.