There were moments when I couldn't bear to look and had to peek at the grisly spectacle from behind the Commons sofa.

The first PMQs since you know what and Conservative chests were puffed up and raring to give El Dave a hearty shove into the bullring.

The first cut was administered by Robert Neill, the hitherto anonymous Tory picador for Bromley, who spouted on about green initiatives, which seemed to have no point until he got to the punchline and with a swift thrust of his lance suggested to Gordy: "I could take him and show him one of our bottlebanks."

Oh how the Tories roared with glee, throwing their imaginary hats into the air as Brown, the brooding bull, snorted and heaved uncomfortably. Some Labour faces smiled embarrassingly while others bit their lips with contempt.

The PM attempted to say something about the spending settlement but, quite frankly, amid the hullabaloo I couldn't make out his words.

Then, up stood the great Conservative matador, El Dave, in his shiny gold and blue capote. He insisted that the PM's assertion that he would still have called off the election if the polls had suggested a 100-Labour majority was unbelievable.

Gordy took to the despatch box and hit something of a bum note when he declared: "I will take no lectures "

Tory benches erupted in another quake of hooting derision. El Toro tried to rouse his troops by mentioning grammar schools, parking charges and VAT.

But Mr Cameron was on a roll. "He's the first Prime Minister in history to flunk an election because he thought he was going to win it," replied El Dave. By now, Tory back benchers were in stitches and the gaping wound in the bull's side spilled more blood on to the Commons plaza.

The Tory leader quoted words from Gordy's own book on courage, recounting how our noble leader admired people for taking "brave decisions in the service of great causes, especially when more comfortable and far less dangerous alternatives were open to them".

To more Conservative laughter, the matador and his cape swept neatly by the stumbling beast's side: "Does he realise what a phoney he now looks? Has he found a single person who believes his excuses for cancelling the election?"

With Tory cheers ringing in his ears, the PM tried to riposte but the bull's horn missed El Dave by a mile with the Tory leader smirking: "He's going to have to do better than that."

The matador's manoeuvring was tiring El Toro. To more Conservative laughter, he asked if the draft of the PBR written before the Tory conference had included plans for non-doms and inheritance tax.

The PM, by now completely disorientated, started going on about the summer, which only prompted Tory MPs to writhe with delight, holding their heaving stomachs. The bull was by now not a pretty sight and oozing blood.

El Dave, spotting the beast was in trouble, sought to weaken him still further with another nifty manoeuvre. "I tell you what, if you've got some questions about our policies, find a bit of courage, discover a bit of bottle, get in your car, go round to Buckingham Palace and call an election." But there was a final revival by the bull as El Dave stumbled in his aim over the issue of the European treaty, giving the PM time and space to recover his senses.

Yet the bullfighter gathered himself, produced his sword and made the final thrust, declaring: "For 10 years he has plotted and schemed to have this job and for what? No conviction, just calculation. No vision, just a vacuum. Last week he lost his political authority, this week he's losing his moral authority. How long are we going to have to wait before the past makes way for the future?"

With that the bull slumped to the floor. It tried to regain its equilibrium but too much blood had been lost and Gordy was carted off to the infirmary for a blood transfusion by his comrades.

All the while, spotted on the Nationalists' bench was none other than the smirking matador from the north, Alex Salmond, who was sharpening his own sword, waiting for his chance to spill some Brown blood. But the numero uno from Holyrood will have to wait his turn another day. Yesterday, the glory was all El Dave's.