The reason boys prefer zombies and girls vampires is down to sartorial standards

I once spent an hour in an Edinburgh bar with Charlie Higson, formerly of The Fast Show but better known these days as an author of books for teenagers. We chatted and I watched dry-mouthed as he necked a bottle of IPA. Under the circumstances, a Bloody Mary might have been more appropriate.

Mostly we talked about zombies, the subject of his latest novel, and at one point we mused on the subject of why boys tend to like them while girls prefer vampires.

We decided boys prefer the living dead because you can splatter them with a baseball bat or a spade, which appeals to their combined love of sport, violence, genre films and gardening. OK, maybe  not gardening.

Girls, on the other hand, like the undead because they have good table manners, at least until the point in the meal where they decide they are feeling thirsty. Also because they tend to look like Robert Pattinson in the Twilight films, or Johnny Depp in new Tim Burton flick Dark Shadows. Other plus points include the fact that if you kiss a vampire, you can be sure they won’t have garlic breath.

What neither of us considered at the time, though it seems obvious now, is that what really explains the divide is dress sense and grooming. Zombies generally shamble around in ripped jeans and tatty jumpers and, as it’s hard to see them showering or brushing their teeth when they get up in the morning, it’s a safe bet they’re a little neglectful of their personal hygiene too. In terms of conversation, they don’t say much beyond the odd grunt or moan. And they are always hungry. Finally, they smell. In other words, boys also like zombies because they share a great many of their attributes.

Vampires, on the other hand, spend time on their attire. In fact they lie around all day thinking about it and generally opt for classic pieces in timeless cuts. Capes and evening dress are popular, of course, but these days anything with a whiff of the dandy will do. Vampires can rock the leather look, as Wesley Snipes does in the Blade films. They can dress like 1980s LA punks, as in The Lost Boys. Or they can copy the uber-stylish vampire David Bowie plays in 1983 film The Hunger. If vampires were a band, they would be a hipster combo like The Velvet Underground. Zombies, on the other hand, could only be Supertramp. It’s easy to see why girls prefer the first to the second.

And as it is with boys, so it is with men. We learn to converse a little better with age and we are less prone to getting the munchies, but our inner vampire sees a lot less daylight than his ghastly rival – the sofa-hogging, housework-avoiding, football-watching, snack-guzzling inner zombie. And yes, most of us dress accordingly.