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Reader's digest: we want your food and drink jokes

What's the cure for a man who has a carrot in his nostril? No, not the morning dilemma of a Glasgow GP, but one of ten favourite food and drink jokes from a selection of Scotland's chefs, bakers, and foodie movers and shakers... 

Can there be many things in life better than combining clever wordplay and the pleasures of eating and drinking?

For some, making a pineapple-related pun, or a portmanteau of pastry types, or just general fruit-based literary frippery is about as much fun as it's possible to have without taking your clothes off.    

When these two worlds collide - cheesy jokes and, say, cheese - the result can be something that tickles both the thoughts and the tastebuds.

This could easily have been a whole feature dedicated to fromage-related word fun, but we've widened our net and instead asked ten of the country's top chefs, critics, and prominent eating and drinking-types for their ultimate food or drink joke.

Language lovers of the world unite: we want your puns! Which jokes have our munch bunch omitted?

Leave your favourite piece of foodie wordplay in the comments below along with your full name and location and we'll add yours to the list. 

Jonathan MacDonald, head chef at Ox and Finch:

A man walks into the doctor's office. A banana is sticking out from one of his ears, an asparagus spear is in the other ear, and there's a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doctor, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly". 

Marina O'Loughlin, restaurant critic, The Guardian

What cheese do you use to lure bears out of caves? Camembert.

Stephen Jardine, broadcaster and founder of food PR agency Taste Communications:

I wanted to make you a haggis… but I didn't have the stomach for it! I know… an offal joke.

Gary Goldie, forager:

 A guy walks into a bakers and asks: "is that a doughnut or a meringue?" The baker says, "naw yer right, it's a doughnut!"

Jake Griffin, brewer, Drygate brewery:

I poured a root beer into a square glass... now I just have beer.

Phoebe Weller, cheese expert, The Roving Fromagiere:

What did the cheese say when it caught sight of its reflection? Halloumi!

Greg McCulloch, bar manager, Rogano:

Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.

Fred Berkmiller, head chef and owner, L'Escargot Blanc and Blu:

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Pete Stewart, Glasgow retail manager of Inverarity One to One:

Why is being the gardener in a distillery an easy job?  Because the grass is always half-cut!

Liggy Morgan, owner, Liggy's Cakes:

Why did the baker stop making doughnuts? He got tired of the hole thing.

Contextual targeting label: 
Food and drink

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