Name

Gary Johnston

Bio

A former BBC Scotland comedy writer, Gary has lived in Australia for over 10 years, working as a fruit picker, nightclub bouncer, waiter and then, somewhat bizarrely, a probation officer in the town of Nimbin: Australia’s Marijuana Capital. He currently teaches English and Drama at a secondary school in the mountains of Victoria. His hobbies are various outdoor pursuits, playing guitar and observing Scotland from a distance. Gary’s latest “project” is a Clydesdale/Appaloosa foal he’s named Hugh in the hope that the local horse breeding society won’t realise the significance of its second name being Jarse.

You can follow Gary on Twitter @gjp3003

test

  • By footie of course, I mean football, our game, the one we invented, the game of legends like Dalglish, Law and Joe Jordan as well as numpties such as Peter Grant, Davy McPherson and the utterly crap but brilliantly named Crawford Baptie.

    Back home, no such clarification would be necessary, but here in Australia, football means different things to different people, depending on which part of the country they live.  In Victoria for instance, footie always means Australian Rules Football, whereas in New South Wales it refers to Rugby League or at pinch, Union. 

  • Cricket has never had much currency in Scotland. I know some middle class chappies play it and we even have an national team that regularly has its arse felt by the likes of Yorkshire Reserves, The Sultanate of Oman Select and Lord Rockingham’s XI, but let’s face it, round our way cricket is generally regarded as a game only suitable for Cedric Soft and his effete mates.

    Strange really, because in many ways cricket is perfectly suited to the Scottish psyche. 

  • Josh, who’s the living epitome of one of those big, slightly glaiket-looking fellas who suddenly find themselves quite good at something, is a full forward. 

    Forwards, in Aussie Rules, as in most sports, are the people who make the difference. Not usually very mobile, it’s their job to catch a high ball under pressure from defenders intent on decapitating them and then, if the ‘mark’ is taken cleanly, to line up for a set shot for goal. 

  • It’s Estadio Benito Villamarin, June 18th 1982  and after going a goal up through a David Narey speculator, notoriously described as a ‘toe-poke’ by Jimmy Hill - the bloke every Scotsman loved to hate until Jeremy Clarkson came along - Brazil has redressed the balance by giving our boys a classic football lesson they’ll never ever forget.

  • Lame duck Prime Minister Julia Gillard, under fire from almost every level of society in the country for a number of perceived misdemeanours ranging from wearing too many designer clothes to basically having NFI (Aussie slang: no f*****g idea), kicked it off in a speech at the start of the week.

  • A beast is a sex offender and sex offenders have to be separated for their own protection, because given half a chance the other prisoners - all those decent, right-thinking blokes who stole cars, broke into houses, peddled drugs and started fights - would pee in their tea, crap in their porridge and roast their meat and two veg with scalding dishwater. 

    In every jail in every country the beasts, the blokes in the protection wing, are universally reviled and despised in a manner Jeremy Clarkson simply couldn’t envisage.

  • "This bloke, sounded Scottish, came up to me and called me geezer. Then he called me a fag. He was a bit pissed, mind you."

    "Nah mate," I said. A Scotsman would never say geezer, he'd… now hold on a wee minute."  

    "Hey you. Geezafag". The authentic calling card of that quaint Scottish character, the threatening totally pissed-up ned.

  • One such fear is that on which the criminal justice system is based. And, like most fears, it’s not entirely rational.

    I’m talking of course about the myth that any infraction of the law can and very well might result in long term incarceration in a grey-walled, spartan prison cell. Then, once ensconced in this sorry hell-hole, you’ll be immediately two-ed up with a large, unfeeling beast who goes by the name of Big Bubba and personally organises an extreme, violating, 'welcome to chokey' party that you’ll never forget.

  • Through a combination of shrewd tactical know-how, ruthless flint-faced calculation and incredible self-belief, he came to be acknowledged, with all respect, as The Godfather.

    But to everyone else, he is simply, Fergie.

    Born and raised in the bucolic village of Govan, where a pastoral, sleepy setting camouflaged an underbelly of inherent corruption and wrongdoing, the young Don Fergie instinctively appreciated how self-respect, hard work and, most of all, loyalty to the family could lead to success and fulfilment. 

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Name

Gary Johnston

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