Leaving aside the dubious musical qualities of Lionel for a moment, I'd like to paraphrase the lyric: "I don't know much, but I know what gets right up my schneb. And that's all I need to know."
Take the Bauchle of Bathgate herself, wee Susan Boyle. Yes, that’s right, take her away, as far as possible from me. I know she has her fans and is worth 12 million quid or thereabouts, but that doesn't alter the fact that, as far as I'm concerned, Susan is pure mince.
It's called cultural cringe, a condition which can best be described as an acute feeling of embarrassment, reticence and general discomfiture when it comes to the achievements, traditions and in particular, culture of the mother country.
Sound familiar? I mean, let's face it, when it comes to cultural cringe, we Scots wrote the book. Sure, there are lots of things we have to be proud of, but far more that utterly mortify us.
Despite some impressive musical credentials, Colin isn't exactly a household name, though you'll know his best known song, the seminal Australian worldwide smash, Down Under, which he recorded with his 1980s band Men at Work.
And guess what? Despite living in Australia since the late 1960s, Colin is one of us, hailing originally from the seaside paradise of Saltcoats, which must have really spoiled him for the beaches of Oz, where the sand is yellow and the sea turquoise, rather than the other way round.
Of course, that’s not unusual in itself; after all, I live in the Victorian Alpine village of Swifts Creek, but this one really took the McVities Digestive.
Someone asked me if I was American.
To be honest, being taken for a foreigner with a funny accent, outlandish clothes and weird unfathomable habits is hardly a life shattering event, especially not for me – it used to happen every time I went to Paisley.
Despite everything, the Brits were still ultimately in charge in Oz; the official head of state was the British monarch and her representative, the governor-general, reserved the power to sack the elected Government if he felt like it, which actually happened in the 1970s.
The 1999 referendum would give Aussies the chance to bin this (some said) anachronistic and politically illogical situation and I for one was sure Republicanism would be given the go-ahead. Well, it was a no-brainer, wasn't it?