Buttocks clenched and grins fixed, the four champ-ions of Glasgow East took to the airwaves yesterday in the nation's latest political beauty contest.
Buttocks clenched and grins fixed, the four champ-ions of Glasgow East took to the airwaves yesterday in the nation's latest political beauty contest.
There was no Mad Cow Girl or Militant Elvis - I think - just four candidates hoping that the occasional voter in the east end might be tuning in to consider casting a vote in their favour.
On a Sunday, one could be forgiven for thinking that the only people watching were a mix of fellow politicians, working journalists and people who were expecting to see a John Wayne Western but had somehow pushed the wrong button on the remote control.
Flitting from a sensitive subject such as abortion to more usual ones such as local income tax, Iraq and Vehicle Excise Duty, the candidates, particularly Labour's Margaret Curran and the SNP's John Mason, could not help interrupting and talking over each other in true by-election style.
Having pontificated on an opinion poll - in the parallel universe of a by-election it was good news for Labour and, of course, even better news for the SNP - we had the spectacle of Ms Curran defending why she would have two jobs, one at Holyrood and one at Westminster, if she won.
She admitted this was not a well-planned career move - indeed - and one that would not be for the long term, but declined to say how long her double life would last.
Plus, had not Labour trashed Alex Salmond for doing the same? Hmmm.
Then there was Mr Mason, attacking Ms Curran for her potential dual mandate, yet defending the First Minister's two magnificent hats. Hmmm.
While Davena Rankin for the Tories insisted MPs should put their constituents first, nimbly brushing aside questions about MPs who have directorships like, ahem, quite a number of Conservatives back benchers at Westminster, Ian Robertson, her feisty LibDem colleague, made a politician's fatal error of directly answering the question of whether an MP should have two jobs.
"Absolutely not," he declared. But what about Sir Menzies Campbell, the well-known QC? The fixed grin momentarily slipped. He suggested to his esteemed colleague, he should reconsider such moonlighting. Oh dear. One could hear Ming's dentures grinding away at the young whipper snapper's nerve.
At one point, the image of Margaret Thatcher, much beloved in the tenements of Glasgow East, was thrown up after news that she would be given a state funeral.
Ms Rankin, at times appearing like a rabbit caught in a juggernaut's headlights, suggested it was a tad premature given that the ex-premier was, of course, still with us.
Mr Mason raised eyebrows when he suggested neither Lady Thatcher nor Tony Blair should have "a state funeral in the east end of Glasgow". Now, there's an idea.
Finally, we had the ultimate political question - the "how much is a loaf of bread" conundrum.
Intriguingly, Ms Curran and Ms Rankin were very close on the price of tea bags and eggs. Mr Mason hedged his bets - smart cookie - saying a loaf was £1 but admitted some were cheaper. Indeed, they are.
Mr Robertson was way out on four pints of milk, but he could have said he was a moonlighting vegan QC.
Needless to say, the aftermatch analysis from each of the two main sides was that their candidate had done incredibly well and triumphed.
David Cairns, the Labour minister, claimed Ms Curran had won "hands down" and noted how her Nationalist rival had, remarkably, not mentioned independence once in a 35-minute programme. Funny that.
Over at SNP HQ, they claimed Ms Curran had "dumped" on Alistair Darling because of her suggestion that the Chancellor should reduce road tax and not put it up for hard-pressed motorists.
In true by-election style, by the end of the day everyone had won. Roll on July 24.
