Westminster Sketch: Gardener's question time returned for a new season yesterday with the usual array of planted questions as Gordy and Dave fought over the affections of the hush puppied, cigar-chomping Euro-champion Ken Clarke.
Gardener's question time returned for a new season yesterday with the usual array of planted questions as Gordy and Dave fought over the affections of the hush puppied, cigar-chomping Euro-champion Ken Clarke.
Labour's Liz Blackman served up the next-to-best planted question when she asked - bearing in mind the PM had insisted the key to his government's latest business aid package is that it is being "targeted" - if the help on offer was being - "properly targeted". Phew.
The PM replied that he was "grateful to my friend" - I bet he was. So His Britannic Majesty rambled on about how he was providing "real help", that was, yes, "targeted". He mentioned how it was "real help" eight times just in case anyone in the chamber failed to recognise that the help on offer was, erm, real.
The shiny-haired Tory chief shook his head when he got to the dispatch box, roared on by his back-bench battalion, noting: "Planted question, copied policy; what a pity they didn't agree to a parliamentary statement to announce a good Conservative policy."
Count Mandelson of Transylvania had simply organised a breakfast press conference instead.
However, the golden rosette for the premier parliamentary beetroot went to Nigel Griffiths, Labour's champion in Edinburgh South, who asked his Scottish chum a humdinger: if he would "send best wishes" to President Elect Barack Obama and would he "work with him to secure lasting peace in the Middle East". If Mr G is not careful some more cynical souls might think he is gunning for Westminster's toadying prize of the year.
PMQs continued where it had left off before Christmas with DC encouraging the Prime Minister to admit that he was wrong to assert he had abolished boom and bust. Of course, Gordy was never going to admit it, so when he began by talking about a "global financial crisis" the Tory benches crackled into an uproar of disbelief.
Amid the hubbub, the clunking fist insisted no-one was copying the Tory policy, which jolted the Conservative chorus to start pointing their fingers simultaneously at the Labour front bench, suggesting that the business guarantee loan scheme was in fact a Tory idea shamelessly nicked by the Soviet government opposite.
DC stood up to make his best joke, bringing in a reference to the advertisement for a No 10 Jeeves (if he loses the election the Tory leader might like to apply). He declared: "It's not a butler they need in Downing Street, it's a photocopier." Even the comrades chuckled at that one.
Meantime, up in the royal circle peered down the imperious figure of Count Mandelson, mentally sharpening his fangs for the next Conservative neck.
The Tory toff tried another tactic to upend Irn Broon by asking if he still stood by the Treasury forecast that the recession would end on July 1. As soon as the PM opened his mouth to announce that that "depended on the level of international co-operation" the blue-rinsers scoffed a collective "aah!" to try destabilise the PM.
However, Gordy went into a flowing soliloquy about how the Tories wanted to cut this and chop that and were simply in the business of pursuing a "do nothing policy". Now it was the turn of Labour benches to roar "hear hear".
Dave's third line of attack was on the VAT cut, which he dismissed as an "expensive failure". However, the PM cited supporters of the policy as none other than Mr Clarke and Lord Lamont, Cameroon's old Treasury boss.
But Mr C had a comeback, quoting his veteran colleague as saying the fiscal stimulus package was "not affordable, a reckless gamble, would make the recession worse and the recovery long and painful". To Tory cheers, he added that, by the way, this was the Chancellor who gave Labour a "golden inheritance", which Gordy had ruined.
Our noble leader hit back, offering another KC quote, saying: "I may be in a minority but I would look at a temporary reduction in VAT as the best way of stimulating spending.' That is exactly what he said and so did Lord Lamont." Yah-boo sucks. The PM cocked a metaphorical snook at his Tory shadow. DC shook his head dismissively. Normal service resumed. It's going to be a long slog to the election. You have been warned.
