THE DIARY THURSDAY 10 APRIL 2008
Politics is hard work. Honest: a councillor in Aberdeen said so. Mind you, some of those jobs at the Town House come with perks.
Take the Deputy Lord Provostship, a post currently held by a teenage university drop-out.
The lad, Diary learns, also ranks as Master of Mortifications, which gives him the right to take the first salmon out of the Dee every season.
The young councillor's name? John West.
Chest marvellous
British breasts are getting bigger, but not always naturally, claims reader Marjorie Calder after our revelations about Michelle Mone believing vitamins were behind a boom in sales of G-cup Ultimo bras.
Marjorie's source?
The website of the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons. Yes, that would be www.baaps.co.uk.
Independent thinker
Former Scots Tory leader David McLetchie has always been a firm supporter of the Union. Imagine, then, his horror, when at a dinner to celebrate Scotland Week in Ottawa, he was reassured that the man who masterminded Canada's Conservatives to their recent victory was firmly for Scottish independence.
"His face was nearly in his soup," fellow diner Alex Neil MSP told The Diary.
Public relation
Pity hard-working Zoe Corsi, who, among other duties, handles PR for Donald Trump in the north-east of Scotland. Zoe, who runs the Aberdeen office of agency Big Partnership, has been putting in the hours recently. That hasn't pleased her six-year-old daughter.
"Mummy, why do you always have to work?" asked little Francesca. So we can have a nice life, replied Zoe. "Yes, but couldn't you do something more important?" countered Francesca. "Like helping people? Or fixing things?"
- And while we are on the subject of Donald Trump, has anybody seen the Great Combover in the same room as Muir Russell, right, former Holyrood mandarin and distinguished chief of Glasgow Uni?
Modern studies
Westenders. Never easy to please, especially the Glasgow variety. This was proved again when a G12 teacher asked her class of eight-year-olds what would make them most happy. Cakes, presents, holidays, said some.
Then one girl's hand pops up. "What would make me happiest would be for China to leave Tibet," she said.
Stage fright
Scotchie gongs. We asked for your idea what they should be called. Order of the Glasgow Empire, suggested a showbiz fan with a long memory.
"Anybody who got through a night at the Empire deserved a medal," he explained.
Don't believe him? Ask Des O'Connor. He pretended to faint rather than face the wrath of the Empire audience.
- We're still looking for books to enjoy behind bars - the bad kind, that is.
Suggestions so far include Chibby Chibby Bang Bang from Mark Couperwhite; The Brothers Kalashnikov from David McMullan; Bar-El Cid from Kenny Reid; and The Lying, the Snitch and the Warder from Jim MacGregor.
Commanding presence
Dapper gent, Clive Fairweather. The former chief inspector of prisons and deputy head of the SAS always looks the part. Now, that is.
Back in his days fighting Commies in Oman, Clive wasn't quite so well-tailored. He spent the war - one of the little ones we Brits tend to forget - turning former captured rebels, or Firqats, into fighting allies of our own Majesty and the Sultan of Oman. Scruffy work, that.
Clive and his fellow officers tried to win over the Firqats by showing them Zulu, starring Michael Caine.
They loved it. But grew increasingly suspicious of the SAS guys training them. "Why are you not wearing a red tunic and white helmet like a proper English officer?"
they demanded of the then Major Fairweather.
The Arabs eventually took to Major Fairweather.
His nickname was Shams, or the Shining One. Not a lot of people know that, as Mr Caine might have said, had he been there.
