THE DIARY TUESDAY JANUARY 7, 2009

NEWS that Marks & Spencer is making more than 1000 staff redundant, prompts one reader to observe: "This is not just any P45. This P45 is printed on the finest watermarked paper in a crisp white envelope with gorgeously italicised script on the front."

Fair game
WORLD affairs as seen through the eyes of a Glasgow ned. Two such callow fellows were spotted in Glasgow's St Vincent Street beside the public toilets the other day by an Evening Times vendor as a protest march about the Gaza conflict went past.

Spotting one of the signs, one of them nasally whined: "What's this all aboot? Somin' for free?"

His half-witted mate worked out that the "Free Gaza" sign did not imply that there was stuff being handed out for nothing, but then didn't help much by replying: "Naw, it's somethin' to dae wi' Gazza, the fitballer."

Our vendor tells us the exchange had two watching police officers nearby doubled up with laughter.

Magic spell
CURIOUSLY, after the incident with the Iraqi journalist narrowly missing President Bush, pictured, with a thrown shoe at a press conference, a smart reader has worked out that an anagram of George Bush is Shoe! Bugger!

Weight for it
A READER swears he was in an Edinburgh hotel at New Year when an American guest, obviously keen to do a bit of keep-fit while he was here, asked the receptionist: "Do you have a weight room?"

Clearly not on the same wavelength, she replied: "No, but you can always wait here in reception."

High anxiety
OUR story about the airline pilot startling those aboard by taking a blind passenger's dog for a walk reminds Alun Hotchkiss of a pilot pal, after years of flying short-haul routes across Europe, switching to flying 747s across the Atlantic.

On his first transatlantic flight as captain, he had to deal with a passenger having a panic attack. Fortunately, a doctor on board calmed her down, then suggested a trip to the flight-deck to allay her fears further.

But the captain told the steward who relayed the suggestion: "Do you really think it will help if I tell her I've never actually landed one of these things before?"

Carrier on
THE row over Westminster refusing to finance a new Forth bridge brings forth the suggestion from a reader: "The Treasury has, however, given the go-ahead for the two aircraft carriers which will be assembled at Rosyth.

"Since the planes for them might not be built, we don't have enough destroyers and frigates to defend them, and they are not much use for fighting in places like Afghanistan, which doesn't have a coast, wouldn't it be a better idea to moor them bow to stern across the Forth and allow the traffic to drive over their flight decks and save the cost of the bridge?"

Broadcast views
NEWS that Scottish Television presenter Michael Crow is leaving STV to become communications director with the Scottish Tories brings forth this harsh criticism from a Labour politician: "He has simultaneously raised the average IQ of both organisations."

Bag lady
"My gran's one of those people who thinks a cup of tea is the answer to everything," said the loudmouth in the bar the other night.

"Which is why she was such a disaster when we put her in our pub quiz team."

Flakey
THE cold weather prompts a reader to phone the Diary and recount: "I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow as a present."

As we held the phone wondering what he was on about, he delightedly added: "I phoned her the next day and asked, Did you get my drift?' "

Thankfully, he then hung up.