THE DIARY FRIDAY JUNE 26, 2009

GLASGOW Labour MP Tom Harris tells a story that a fellow MP was in the toilet in the House of Commons just before the first ballot to choose the new Speaker, when he was joined by Tory leader David Cameron in the adjacent urinal.

"David, I'm about to vote Tory for the very first time in my life," said the Labour MP jovially, knowing that the choice of Speaker was a controversial one.

"John Bercow doesn't count," replied Cameron.

Plenty of front
A disturbance at the Neil Young concert in Aberdeen this week where a chap was trying to part the crowds just before the band came on stage. Nice try, really, as he continually shouted out: "Make way for really annoying late bloke trying to get down to the front to see better."

Tongue-lashing
"DID you see that Max Mosley is to stand down as the boss of Formula 1"? asked the chap in the pub the other night.

"Do you think they'll have a whip-round?" replied his mate.

Living on the fat of the land
ANY guilty pangs Glaswegians might feel when tucking into a fish supper may be eased by the knowledge they are doing their bit for the city's water supply. The steamer Sir Walter Scott is back sailing on Loch Katrine after a restoration, which included converting the engine to run on biodiesel. So the ship on Loch Katrine, the loch that supplies Glaswegians with much of their water, will be fuelled by oil made from the discarded contents of chip shop and burger ovens.

As Sir William McAlpine, chairman of the restoration committee, put it: "There had to be some good to come out of all those deep fried Mars bars."

Raining on their parade
PROOF that you can't keep everyone happy comes from Wimbledon, where an official at the tennis club said that spectators were complaining that the good weather meant they hadn't seen the new roof over the Centre Court being operated.

No sense of direction
BAFFLED drivers, continued. Reader John Biggam was working at a petrol station in Alloa when a driver asked for directions to Burns's cottage as he was taking his children there for a day out. "The look on his face when I directed him to Ayrshire and said it was about 150 miles away was a picture of disbelief," says John. "He had mixed up Alloa with Alloway."

Just a plaything
"THAT bloke who asked me out," said the girl in the coffee shop to her mates, "was like the toy from a Kinder Surprise." She added: "Not quite what you wanted, and not all there."

Shoot from the lip
REAL Radio presenter Cat Harvey realised this week that you can't have your picture taken in Glasgow without the public joining in. She was in Sauchiehall Street getting her picture taken to promote the reopening of the Boots store when a passing punter decided to become the art director.

Cat tells us: "It was hilarious. The photographer was trying his best to be arty, and we have a wee Glasgow guy trying his best to lend a hand at directing the shoot. He was very enthusiastic and encouraging particularly when he shouted, Aye, no bad Cat - but dae it again with mair bounce'. In true Glasgow spirit I did, and this is the result."