THE DIARY THURSDAY 13th MARCH 2008

"Did you see what was in Alistair Darling's last Budget?" said the chap in the pub last night.

"Surely you mean his first Budget?" replied his pal.

"No, I think it'll be his last," said the first chap.

Russia calling
PITY the poor student who sat in the front row at The Best of Rough Cuts at the Glasgow International Comedy Festival where he was asked what he was studying.

"Russian," he replied.

Perhaps not the most marketable of skills, it seems, as the compere then asked: "So what kind of call centre do you hope to end up working in?"

Kneesy does it
FORMER Glasgow Labour MP Hugh Brown, who has sadly died (see obituary, Page 48), was once showing a group of awestruck visitors round the House of Commons, and entered the Central Lobby just as his Glasgow colleague, Neil Carmichael, came in at the far end. As Hugh called out: "Neil!" the group behind him obediently fell on one knee.

Taking the Michael
WRITER of light-hearted detective tales and books on Majorca, Peter Kerr, was introduced at the Aye Write! literary festival in Glasgow as counting Michael Douglas among his fans.

"Michael Douglas frae Pumpherston - a cousin of my faither's," explained Peter modestly.

But he was joking. The Hollywood film actor does, indeed, have a home on Majorca and wrote Peter a note praising his book Snowball Oranges.

Bottoms up
INCIDENTALLY, when Peter moved to Majorca his wife tried out her Spanish on the local butcher by wishing him a Happy New Year - "feliz ano nuevo" and wondered why he threw her such a dirty look.

Unfortunately, she had mispronounced ano - it should have been año, like señor, and had wished him a happy new bottom, which didn't help as he had just had an operation for haemorrhoids.

Altered image
SPEAKING of Holywood, actress Kathleen Turner told her Aye Write! audience earlier in the week that when she had to play Chandler's dad in Friends as a transvestite, a gay friend took her to some transvestite clubs to help her get in character.

One club boasted, said Kathleen (pictured), that a generation earlier Tallulah Bankhead had visited it on the night there was a Tallulah Bankhead lookalike competition for the transvestites.

Tallulah, after imbibing too much, entered - and lost.

Model mum
OUR story about Lisa Marie Presley being pregnant and suing a newspaper which said she was fat, reminds a reader of the question: "What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?"

The answer is, of course: "Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him."

Rerr Terra
WE must leave the verbal faux pas of councillors with the classic tale recounted by Bill Scott, formerly of Strathclyde Region education department, who tells us: "At a presentation of certificates to youth workers one year, the presenting councillor said he was one who could identify with the community work being done by the youth leaders as he had his feet firmly planted in terra cotta'."

No bray
READER Jim Kelly relates: "Reading your story of the presumably limited menu at the Wan Lam Chinese restaurant prompts me to relay my concerns about the bill-of-fare in the Oriental establishment up the road from my office in Warsaw.

"It rejoices in the unlikely name of the Don Que'. Needless to say, my usual order is prawn curry."

Close colitis
A MUSIC fan phones: "You wrote about the mistake in the Hotel California lyrics which referred to the warm smell of colitis'.

"It's funny how the word also cropped up in the Beatles' Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds - the girl with colitis goes by'."

Close, but not quite.