THE DIARY TUESDAY JUNE 16, 2009

NEWS from Westminster, where we hear Gordon Brown has sent an envoy to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

It seems the Prime Minister wants to learn how to get elected even when the country votes against you.

Transported
AH, the romantic Scotsman. We couldn't help but overhearing the chap coming out of Buchanan Street bus station the other morning, whose mobile phone rang, and he was saying in a placatory fashion: "No, there's nothing wrong. I just didn't want to say I love you' out loud on the bus."

Sting in the tale
JACK Ryan was at the Morar Hotel at the weekend when a woman came into the bar complaining that her kids were being terrorised by the midges.

"Terrorised? Oh, that'll be the midge-hadeen," she was told.

Jack tells us: "I don't know if that was the best, or the worst, line of the weekend."

The eyes have it
TOP marks for thinking fast. A worker in a Glasgow call centre tells us his mate in the next cubicle was approached by the manager who accused him of falling asleep.

"No," he quickly replied. "I was just in the middle of a really long blink."

Mouth to mouth
READER Jim Docherty in Ruislip was at Lisbon airport last week where a young couple in front of him in the queue were passionately eating the face off each other.

Eventually Jim heard a Glaswegian voice behind him shout out: "It's aw right, hen. If you're still hungry, they feed you a meal on the plane."

True Brit
"IT'S been a while," said the chap in the pub listening to the news about Andy Murray's Queen's Club win, "but isn't it nice to see that Andy Murray's British again?"

Swear an oath
A READER was recalling that when he was very young, his father would say "excuse my French" whenever a swear word accidentally slipped out.

"So imagine my embarrassment," he added, "when I went to school and the teacher asked if any of us knew any French."

Sisters act
STEPHEN Bannerman was travelling up from Ayrshire by train when he listened to a couple discussing two boats they had seen, with the husband declaring knowledgeably that they were sister ships being laid-up because the financial downturn meant there was no work for them.

The chap's wife intervened to say that he was wrong, adding they were sister ships as one was clearly a lot smaller than the other.

Husband appeared to count to 10 within his head before replying: "You do know one was anchored further out than the other?"

Card sharp
A READER tells us she was shopping with her three-year-old son to get a Father's Day card, and she told her son to choose one.

After some time with no success she went over to check on what the hold-up was. "I can't find one with money in it," he told her.

A legend is born
A CELTIC fan was telling a mate that new manager Tony "Mogga" Mowbray was born on November 22, 1963 - the same day that John F Kennedy was assassinated. "So at the same time as JFK was leaving the world, Mowbray was entering it at Saltburn Maternity Hospital," he explained.

"Ah, well," said his mate, "at least that's one thing the fans can't accuse him of when they turn on him."