Nine o’clock, Sunday morning. The doorbell rings. Luca, who’s standing at the window, shouts: “Dad, it’s the police.” Uh-oh. Could this be a hangover from last night’s party? Curious. The only people who misbehaved at Cal’s 16th were the six year olds, out of their faces on purloined Irn-Bru until they were captured and imprisoned in the house. Or could it be something to do with those pizzas I made?

Okay, I confess. The dough didn’t rise fully on some of them. Well, you try keeping a battered old oven with a dodgy door seal hot for that many pizzas, officer.

Actually, it’s neither. Apparently someone called the police to say my wife’s car tax is a couple of weeks out of date. Welcome to Newlands on the south side of Glasgow. I’m getting out of here and going to the trendy west end, where the sun always shines, the restaurants are always new and the neighbours are too busy tie-dying their sandals to be bothering the rozzers. Where there’s fattoush and lamb shawarma, thalis for breakfast even, and a waiter, noticing I don’t want a coffee as I spread out the papers, bringing me a jug of cool water instead. Nice touch, man. Very nice.

I can’t help feeling there’s a sort of New York ambience to Two Figs with its bare brick walls, remnants of white paint lingering artistically of course, openish kitchen and refreshing absence of irritating students.

I like this place already, so much so that I may hide out here for a couple of days with my bowl of noodles. Yep, that’s all it says on the menu. Noodles -- we’re that laidback here -- and not any old noodles. They’re tweaked and teased, with greens and sauteed peppers, a hint of sesame oil and a flash of fresh coriander with seeds on top. The effect is to take a fairly ordinary dish and make it better, elevate it, gloss over the vaguely sweet chilli sauce flavour. Add to this a bamboo skewer of lemon-marinated chicken and it’s a nice lunch.

Salt-and-pepper chicken wings come with a heavy crisp batter, a studding of black pepper and perhaps not enough salt. Pre-poaching the chicken southern style may make it more tender, but it’s still a cut above the usual.

The mackerel fillets? Flash fried and reasonably crisp. I love mackerel, and I love these fillets though the broad bean and watercress salad is too fussy and a bit tired looking, plus that beetroot dressing adds nothing except colour.

Is there more? Yes, there’s a clever series of interlocking all-day menus, a long list of fashionable and cross-cultural dishes, but it’s already clear that detail is taken care of in here. And often detail is what it’s all about.

What’s surprising is that the food is coming from one chef working in a tiny open kitchen by the back wall. Even more surprising is that this is a Jonah site for restaurants, with its split dining room and location at the cursed, bottom end of Byres Road. I’ve lost count of the number of places that have opened in here, flourished briefly and then sunk without trace. It’s a dangerous spot, but somehow there’s no feeling of that today. Just a hustle and a bustle and a steady stream of visitors.

Okay, so there’s a sort of fawning enthusiasm about what the owners of Two Figs do, their other venture, The Left Bank, being a west end darling. It doesn’t really do them any favours, raising expectations to a level nobody can meet on a regular basis. It’s enough to know that if you come in here you’ll get a decent meal at a reasonable price and that the standards are pretty much higher than anywhere else around.

Almost more importantly, it’s comfortable and relaxing and the management has a finger firmly on the pulse. If you’re on the run from life it will keep you long entertained. It has me.

 

5 and 9

Byres Road, Glasgow

(0141 334 7277)

HOURS Seven days, 10am-midnight.

MENU Thalis, burgers, poached eggs, mackerel fillets and the like. Fashionable and interesting. 4/5

ATMOSPHERE Bare bricks, a bustling kitchen and comfy booths. Nice feel. 4/5

SERVICE Flawless and pleasant too. 5/5

PRICE Not cheap for the small plates cum starters that are in fashion these days but not overpriced. 3/5

FOOD Better than most competitors’ because somebody has thought about what goes on the plates. 7/10

TOTAL 23/30