THERE are fewer things more disappointing than dull sandwiches and dry scones when you order an afternoon tea.
Many times I have felt let down by what passes off for this three-tiered decadence at other establishments - whipped cream instead of clotted? - but not at the Club Hotel and Spa in Jersey.
The five-star venue in St Helier boasts one of the finest I have enjoyed to date. The finger sandwiches in its Classic Afternoon Tea came on soft, white and wholemeal bread, packed with four different fillings: ham and mustard, smoked salmon, cheese savoury and tomato, and tuna salad.
The scones - one plain and one sultana each - came slightly warm, as if fresh from the cooling tray, and melted in the mouth once loaded up with strawberry jam and clotted cream fresh from the island's famous dairies. An extra treat was a local delicacy known as Jersey black butter, a traditional farmhouse conserve made with cider apples, liquorice and spices. A delicious alternative to jam and a must-try for visitors.
The final lurch into a sugar-induced coma comes with the tantalising array of "fancies" - three per person. These are delicate works of art combining tangy fruit mousses, airy sponges, meringues and rich chocolate ganaches, all crowned with the sort of flamboyant wafers and honeycomb crisps that tell you these would not look out of place in the window of a high-end French patisserie.
Afternoon tea is best followed, in my opinion, by an afternoon nap, and you will struggle to find a more comfortable bed than the ones on offer here. Something about the combination of a firm mattress and what feels like an extra layer of duvet tucked over the top just beg you to settle down for a siesta before a night on the tiles in St Helier.
There is also no better way to recover from a big night out than in the peace and tranquillity of the hotel's basement spa, where guests can unwind in steam rooms and saunas or enjoy a pampering for the body and mind with a few beauty treatments.
The salt water pool is edged by a "hydro bench" - basically a jacuzzi - where swimmers can sit and relax between lengths, with bubbles supplied on demand by a poolside button. There are also two types of steam room and an "experience shower" making up the spa's thermal suite.
In the poolside Salt Cabin, guests are engulfed by a heated mist containing mineral salts, which is said to help relieve respiratory ailments such as asthma. A separate herbal steam room, whose interior resembles a 2001-style space pod, douses guests in an aroma-filled steam which promises to clear the sinuses and "eliminate toxins".
After cooling off in the invigorating shower - which combines alternating fragrances, temperatures and lights with drizzles and jets of water - guests awaiting treatments can relax in a poolside lounge, which is stocked with magazines, herbal teas and healthy snacks.
The hotel's bestselling treatment is the Rasul Mud experience, which is highly recommended as a precursor to a full-body massage.
The 45-minute treatment is best reserved to couples and good friends. In short, people who don't mind seeing each other half-naked as they slather themselves in salt scrubs and detoxifying mud with only a tiny pair of paper pants to guard one's modesty.
The treatment is self-administered in the Rasul Mud Room, where after showering off the salt scrub and applying the gooey mud all over guests, slip into the private steam room where warm mist "opens the pores allowing the mud to work at a deeply therapeutic level" while something reminiscent to Enya is piped in over the speakers and coloured lights shift the mood from lilac to lime green.
It's all very soporific and unquestionably leaves the skin with the promised silky, supple texture and the walls and towels of the shower room resemble a scene from The Shining, only with mud.
But if that isn't enough relaxation, head along the corridor for a 55-minute Aromatic Fusion Massage, which combines scented oils with the muscle-detangling techniques of Swedish and Far Eastern massage. You will leave feeling thoroughly unwound.
The piece de resistance at the Club Hotel in Jersey, however, is its Bohemia restaurant. It's rated the number one place to dine in Jersey by the Good Food Guide 2014, and resident chef Steve Smith has scooped four AA rosettes and was awarded a Michelin star aged just 24.
This is gastronomic tour de force is a must for any visitor to Jersey. Bohemia offers menus to suit most price ranges - from a Saturday set lunch from £20 a head to the ultimate 11-course "prestige tasting menu" at £85 per person before wine. For around double that, a sommelier will select individual glasses of wine to complement each course.
We settled on the Classic Menu, where diners select their own starter, main course and dessert, with surprise amuse bouche, pre-desserts and petits fours thrown in to excite the palate.
After cocktails - the Courvoisier and ginger-infused Summit is worth a taste - accompanied by olives and a mini-appetiser trio which included a deep-fried brie and some sort of foie gras croquette (all delicious), we were ushered into the low-lit restaurant where the meal was kick-started with an amuse bouche of breaded quail's egg drenched in a foamy, cep-flavoured soup.
This was followed by a starter of mackerel tartar wrapped in pickled cucumber, accompanied by meaty oysters, caviar and a cucumber gel, dressed with edible flowers. A beautiful dish that tasted as good, and fresh, as it looked.
By the main course, we had run out of superlatives to describe the venison. Cooked medium rare and mouth-wateringly tender, it came with a three textures of beetroot, turnip, a red wine jus and a pearl barley risotto decorated with beetroot foam. It was a flavoursome, "lick the plate" type of dish.
After a pre-dessert of Waldorf salad - composed from a mind-bending mix of mousses and sorbets yet somehow still resembling the original - we were onto dessert. for me as a cheese fiend, it could only be the cheeseboard, which was rolled out on a giant trolley and emanated a reassuring waft of smelly socks while our waiter cut wedges of my chosen five.
The meal - a three-and-a-half-hour marathon by the time we rolled up to our room and those cloud-like beds - was rounded off by coffee and chocolates flavoured with everything from Chai tea and white chocolate to salted caramel.
Don't forget to pack your stretchiest clothes - you'll need them.
Helen McArdle flew to Jersey via Gatwick with British Airways (www.britishairways.com/jersey and was a guest of the Club Hotel & Spa, Green Street, St Helier, Jersey. Rooms start from £99 for a standard double and £245 for a suite inclusive of breakfast.
Contact 01534 876500 www.theclubjersey.com
Five Things to Do in Jersey
Join the locals
Enjoy an evening tipple in one of St Helier's hippest bars, Rojo, where adventurous drinkers can share a potent Zombie cocktail - a secret recipe of rum shots and fruit juices served in a skull-shaped glass and set alight to serve.
Venture upstairs to the club or head to the marina to dance the night away at the Royal Yacht club, one of St Helier's newest and most popular nightclubs.
Experience local culture
The Maritime Museum offers great interactive exhibits for children, but the museum's Occupation Tapestry is also not to be missed. Woven by islanders to mark the 50th anniversary of Jersey's liberation from Nazi occupation, it is both beautiful and detailed.
Learn some history
Visit Liberation Square, where islanders celebrated their liberation at the end of WW2 and enjoy Sunday lunch in the historic Pomme D'Or hotel - so-called "liberation headquarters".
Venture underground
Learn about daily life in Jersey during the Occupation by venturing into the tunnels originally built as a barracks and ammunition store for the Nazis. Hospital wards, an operating theatre and casualty were also added.
Cycle the island
With so much delicious food on offer, it is worth making the most of Jersey's island-wide cycle network, especially the "green lanes", where cyclists, walkers and horse-riders have priority. Hire a bike and take route 1 to Corbiere via St Aubin for a perfect day trip.
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