They forgot my burger.
It's called a Lovebubble or Lovehandle or something like that, I say to Joe as I catch the eye of the large, boldly tattooed barman. A brief conversation takes place. It ends like this. I'm wrong. They didn't forget my burger. I didn't actually order one. How stupid of me. Being delighted to have sorted this out, we go back to not making eye contact with the young man at the table next to us who, with hair whipped aloft and trench coat belted high at the waist, keeps looking over. It may be my soup-resistant Tesco suit that's catching his eye but I can just about read the speech bubble above his head. I think it contains a four-letter word.
Funnily enough, at the start of the Glasgow burger competition in Ad Lib a few weeks ago a microphone was thrust in my pudgy face and I was asked what made a good burger. I mumbled something about the best burger containing chef-made meat patty, a good bun, maybe some lettuce and tomato but definitely none of those slobbering, slithery, towered toppings created by emptying the contents of the sauce cupboard into a bucket and hosing it on. Then throwing on some bacon. Or pulled pork. Where's the skill in that?
At that point I became aware of a complete silence and looked up to see 100 speech bubbles above the heads of the waiting chefs. They all contained that very same word. I don't think it was the suit, because curiously not a single burger in the whole great fun competition was plain and served the way I had suggested. Indeed it was towers a go go, leaving me to countenance the unthinkable. I had been wrong. And I'm not just saying that because I want to live.
Meathammer here, the name of the kitchen outfit inside Nice N Sleazy, a bar that's probably best described as not for your mum, won outright. Their burger contained many things, including (I think) peanut butter, yet like others it tasted good and I ended up, like other judges, narrowly marking it numero uno. It turns out to be the very burger I, erm, forgot to order tonight.
Yet when it finally arrives my pal Joe, who is the state's most eligible prosecutor, takes one bite and recoils with the words: "Urgh. It's too sweet." This may seem like a major setback for Nice N Sleazy but actually I have been holding something back. We have already eaten one burger. I discovered it by cunningly wading through the menu, ignoring the crazy names and crackers combinations of toppings until there it was forlornly and unfashionably nestled at the bottom. The plain cheeseburger. Hallelujah! Why didn't they put this in the competition? The brioche bun is plain, pure, smooth and shiny and, unlike so many others in restaurants these days, does not look like it has just been plucked, crumpled from a poly bag. When we stood at the bar earlier we could see rows of those buns lined up on a shelf in the kitchen. Resting. So what, I hear you say. So we bite into our respective halves, through crumbly, juicy meat, taking also the pink layer in the middle. And it's delicious. Surely this is no batch-made, rubbery, butcher's burger? It is so tender, so light and packed full of flavour that to me it has echoes of the finest Italian sausage. Fabulous. The triple-cooked chips? Definitely better than the single boiled restaurant variety this nation is famous for, but their inventor, Heston Blumenthal, still has a lot to answer for.
What, I hear you say. Is that it? Another burger. Yeah. The tidal wave of new burger joints that has swept Glasgow recently has crashed and in their wake are floating the cashers-in and the chancers. Avoid the glitzy branding and try instead somewhere the burgers are real. Here.
Meathammer at Nice N Sleazy
421 Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow (nicensleazy.com, 0141 333 0900)
Menu
If you can ignore the list of crazy burger combos go instead for the plain cheeseburger tucked at the bottom of the menu. 4/5
Atmosphere
Probably not one to take your mum to. Hard to say whether the poster-strewn club look is deliberate or it just turned out that way. 3/5
Service
Part bar, part club, part check-clothed dining area, staff are friendly and efficient if not for hanging around chatting to the older dudes. 4/5
Price
Around £9 for a burger and triple-cooked fries is pretty much par for the course these days and good value given the scale on which things are served. 4/5
Food
Glasgow's best burger is light, made by the chefs from scratch and tastes very good. 8/10
TOTAL 23/30
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