I don't know if they'll ever adopt this style of greeting at Gleneagles but it has its charm.
"Big man, what can I get you?" the chap behind the counter says by way of a warm welcome. When I make my order it's followed by: "Big man, you can help yourself to drinks" and a wave at a glass fridge over there containing ice-cold bottles of Diet Cokes. It transpires the bottle opener is supplied on request.
As we turn and scan the empty tables in the neon explosion that is the restaurant area, leaving the warmth of the grill behind us, it's followed by a final Glasgow shout: "Haw, Big man!" I turn, half expecting to hear: "Naw, I meant wee man" but it's simply: "Sit in the restaurant through the back - it's not so cold."
Off we toddle. Turning right, past tables of young dudes spreading the news. I wouldn't say Red Pepper here, tucked as it is in a far-flung section of St Andrew's Road with a kitsch ice-cream parlour bolted on the side, is unwelcoming but it's a strangely masculine old place tonight. Eyes lift in mild curiousity as we wander past booths. Further on there are so many colours it's almost bewildering and is that wall actually studded with glass beads? Could this place have been decorated by a man, I wonder? It surely wasn't a woman. A blind man, perhaps?
Through the back I've only sat down for a moment when I'm seeing fleeting blue shapes floating right before my very eyes. Uh-oh. Am I having a stroke? Fat Food Critic Found Dead In Kebab Shop - Food Not Served could be mildly embarrassing for everyone. But it's only the reflection of the flickering blue neon light above the table warping through the plastic lens of my Tesco reading specs.
A waiter comes and goes again. Unsmiling. Oscar-winning actors weep and drool their way through speeches on the giant widescreen, Meryl Streep punches the air bewilderingly. More speeches drone on. And still no food. On top of that I've been to the toilets and frankly if I was you ... I wouldn't. Right now? Frankly? I'm starting to think this is possibly the least promising restaurant I have been in for a long time.
Irked. I cast my mind back. Who recommended this? Urfan! I text him. The food's good, he insists. "If we wait any longer," I reply, "we'll be having halal burgers for breakfast." Guess what? Turns out he knows the guys here. In fact I should have phoned him first. Haha, yeah right. That's not how it works mate.
The food's here anyway and unlike just about everything else in the place, especially what's on the telly, it looks attractive. I have paid just £17 for two Diet Cokes, a classic gourmet lamb burger (they don't do beef burgers), a peri peri chicken burger and a lamb kebada with side dishes. That's £17 in total.
The burgers are huge and the chips in baskets. The lamb kebab is served on a fresh-looking naan with mounds of crisp salad. But what does it all taste like? Beef is not popular in Asian communities because it's said to harden the heart. Therefore lamb is big, it's important and often very good. And the spiced lamb in this burger is tender, very tender, more strongly flavoured than anything you'll get in a supermarket, but it's smothered in sloppy sauces, cheese, coleslaw and red onion. It's not bad at all.
The grilled chicken is so hot that Luca drinks his Coke then my Coke and is now looking around for something else to put into his mouth to extinguish the flames. I pass a napkin.
The lamb kebada is the best. A big pick-up-with-one-hand-roll-and-eat explosion of spices and flavours, crisp salad, soft naan, juicy lamb. Having eaten, I text Urfan. Food generally good. Decor? Mad. Value? Excellent.
Red Pepper, Glasgow
32 St Andrew's Road, Glasgow (0141 429 2121)
MENU Halal burger shack cum ice-cream parlour. Big on lamb burgers, chicken burgers and kebada kebabs. 3/5
ATMOSPHERE Bizarre combination of neon colours and lights. Not to my taste when half full. Popular with the young dudes. 2/5
SERVICE If you don't mind being called big man, and I don't, it's fine. A smile wouldn't hurt from the waiters though. Burgers take a while. 3/5
PRICE We only go up to 5 alas, but at a fiver for a well-presented burger meal and the same for a kebab with a naan, it's hard to beat. 5/5
MENU Halal lamb burgers. Could they be the next big thing? Different and generally good. Kebab excellent. Buns not the very best. 6/10
TOTAL 19/30
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