Pass me a Tena Lady and fetch me my Hush Puppies: I've only just discovered the loom band craze some six months too late.
The first thing I Googled was 'Why is a loom band'. An upbeat and inquisitive 'What's a loom band then, eh kids?' would neither convey my bewilderment or my deep well of sadness. Human adults around the world are creating and wearing clothes made from tiny rainbow-coloured rubber bands that look just like the garish Claire's Accessories hair elastics I wore at the age of never.
If you're unaware of the loom band fad, let me make like Craig David and fill you in (because even my pop culture references are behind the times). Invented by a 45-year-old man, a Rainbow Loom is a simple device that allows you to crochet rubber bands together to make bracelets and charms. It's a huge playground craze which, according to every tabloid journalist, is sweeping the nation and wreaking havoc on our environment. A bit like your mum.
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It's quite sweet that kids are removing their virtual reality goggles and shunning their hoverboards in favour of some good old-fashioned crafting, but I don't understand why the grown-ups have breenged in and tried to turn loom bands into a fashion statement. Fearne Cotton, Harry Styles and David Beckham have all worn loom bracelets recently, as has Kate Middleton in what was undoubtedly her most daring sartorial manoeuvre to date.
Then there was the woman who created an entire dress using 24,000 loom bands and decided to sell it on Ebay. It sold for a vagina-watering £170k. Well, it nearly did. Unfortunately for the creator of the dress, the winning bidder stopped chain-smoking packets of Haribo and realised they'd made a terrible, terrible mistake, so the dress has been relisted. There's some pretty stiff competition now, however. A quick search on Ebay for 'loom dress' yielded 482 results - everything from dresses to leggings and boak-inducing platform boots - and, terrifyingly, some of them had been bid on by real people.
I started to get a bit hysterical and ranty after the Ebay discoveries. I kept screaming 'Who are these people?' - but then I remembered Crocs. It's not often that the mental image of a plastic clog calms me down, but it served as an important reminder that fashion is ridiculous and people are crazy. Some of us never outgrow that childlike desire to be part of the gang; this is the adult version of buying a pair of skousers (that's skirt-trousers, not a Liverpudlian) or showing up to school on non-uniform day in a neon yellow Le Coq Sportif tracksuit, which I definitely did not do in primary seven. Sometimes the need to join in with everyone else overrides taste and common sense. See also: Ugg boots, velour trousers and the person who deflowered David Gest.
What I'm trying to say is, I really need a new dress so I'm away to buy myself a Rainbow Loom. And if I die before I finish my masterpiece, I'll have the jazziest coffin around.