SO I sit down at one of the high benches and pull up a menu only for a waitress to bound into view and utter the immortal phrase: “Have you been here before?” Uh-oh. That question is usually followed by a well-rehearsed and drummed-in-by-the-management explanation of the menu. 

It’s like those little commercials they make you listen to on the internet that count down until you can click the skip button: 3 … drone … 2 … drone … 1 … drone … Click. Groan. 
Any menu that needs a human to explain it out loud is a problem. But, and this is a first, after having had the buzzy, crammed menu at Prep Fitness Kitchen fully explained, I’m still none the wiser.

Pick your proteins, says the waitress, then your carbs, then your vegetables. “Eh? Uh … What?” I’m thinking, while scanning it looking for something that maybe suggests flavour.

Chicken breast – 195 calories; lean roast beef – 158; steamed rice – 110; smashed yams – 159; green beans – 59. Yeah, yeah, I get all that. Fats are listed too. The protein count is marked in red. Great. But where’s the taste? 

A-ha, it’s here at the bottom. Side sauces. Sweet pepper, tzatziki, peanut butter. I order homemade – though it doesn’t say in whose house – sriracha, or hot chilli sauce, at 59 calories, with roast beef, mash, couscous and green beans. That’s only 460 calories, I suddenly notice, panic ordering a 567-calorie chilli hummus sweet baked potato on the side in case I run out of the energy to chew halfway through. Frankly? Looking about the place I’m realising it’s probably not aimed at the fat-man-in-a-tight-suit market. In fact it’s clearly for the gym market. A place I never, ever set foot in.

I press on anyway, moving from a high bench to a low bench, the better to see who else is in here under the bright, dare I say it, gym foyer-type lighting on this cold Tuesday night.

There’s an open kitchen at the back and a juice bar takeaway area at the front. Over there is a high bench of guys who look like they work out. There’s a guy in shorts with his girlfriend and a random but fit-looking couple ahead of me. If there are people like me just in for their tea then I can’t spot them.

I probably wouldn’t describe the plate of food that’s now arrived as appetising. The sauce comes in a pot at the side, the beef has that grey-purple hue that suggests lightly boiled, there’s a square of mash and a heap of couscous. But do you know what? It’s OK – bland, without much seasoning, but the beef is fine, and everything is heart-started back to life with a liberal dose of a very lively sriracha which would add flavour to a block of wood.

There’s a runny hummus on an otherwise fine baked potato, and to ensure I pass off as a true body builder I have three protein pancakes with sliced banana and a squirt of chocolate sauce at 332 calories. A pinch of salt wouldn’t have hurt them. 

In fact, given the obsession nowadays with sugar and salt content there doesn’t seem to be a word of that on the menu. And assuming that the people who come here are going to be very careful about what they put in their mouths I would expect a bit more about where all this stuff comes from. But hey, ho there’s clearly a market for all this.

Now, you might be wondering why people wouldn’t simply make meals like this at home instead. The answer could be because they’re so cheap here. I’d say that’s Prep Fitness Kitchen’s secret weapon. One of those protein-y, veggie, carby meals with sauce costs around a fiver; the baked potato just over that. You could pop in here on your way from the gym, eat by numbers, and feel you were continuing your work-out.

Prep Fitness Kitchen

22 Bath Street, Glasgow (0141 332 3763)

Menu Carbs, proteins, fats, calories all listed. It’s eating by numbers and aimed squarely at the gym market with light meals, shakes and potatoes. Certainly different. 4/5

Atmosphere Either a bit cold and clinical or very modern and cunningly gym-like, depending on where you are coming from. High bench tables, low bench tables and a lot of glass. 3/5

Service Pleasant and reasonably friendly staff wielding iPads who explain precisely what that unusual menu is all about. 4/5

Price Just when I was about to moan about the portion size I realise its all very good value with a whole four component meal available at tad over a fiver. 5/5

Food Plain? Simple? Too plain, too simple? If food is simply energy then this is probably the place for you. Otherwise slightly dull. 6/10

Total 22/30