TO lifeforms of microscopic scale, water has the consistency and texture of sand – with countless billions of miniscule creatures burrowing though every single drop with no obvious purpose or plot.

Pondering such matters with two friends as we fizzed away in a hot tub on the banks of Loch Eck, we concluded it was a blessing these wee beasties lacked the optic nerves to perceive three flabby Bermuda-shorted gods wreaking havoc upon their ecosystem.

Just an hour earlier, we’d sailed across a deathly still Firth of Clyde where the surface reflection of a starless black sky fuelled the illusion that we weren’t moving at all. Only the increasing intensity of lights from some distant Valhalla – namely Dunoon – provided any sense of motion or direction.

According to amiable STV weather forecaster Sean Batty, this was a literal calm before the storm, with our party’s planned luxury lodge break in Stratheck Holiday Park doomed to a 48-hour Biblical maelstrom so intense it would give the corpse of Tam O’ Shanter flashbacks.

Comfortably nestled inside Loch Lomond and Trossachs National Park, Stratheck is a well signposted spot lying just a few miles north of Dunoon. A spacious and impressively landscaped location with a fully licensed clubhouse and sizeable children’s play area, it is a genuinely tranquil riverside hideaway ideal for fishing, cycling and exploring.

All kinds of exploring, it seems. Our arrival was interrupted by a knock on the door from a middle-aged man kitted out in full drag. It quickly became apparent that, fuelled by a liberal drop of distilled courage, the gentleman had felt it was his duty to invite the park’s latest arrivals to a Hallowe'en party at the aforementioned clubhouse later that evening. It was October, after all.

We bid our surprise visitor farewell with a casually lobbed promise to meet later as his heels click-clacked into the distance. At that moment, it was almost an insult to this off-kilter occurrence to unveil our insurance plan in the event of the expected bad weather – Playstation’s new virtual reality headset.

Treetop Lodge’s large open-plan lounge area was indeed perfect for this eventuality, coming complete with a large flatscreen TV and fully equipped kitchen. However, more immediately appealing after our journey and close encounter with the painting in Frank N Furter’s attic was the lodge’s spacious hot tub, which was simmering away at a constant 40 degree temperature and awaiting our company.

Three hours and a crate of San Miguel later, we concluded that marinating in each other’s sweat, grime and tired old stories for any longer couldn’t possibly be healthy – so we beat a hasty path to the clubhouse in an attempt to catch last orders.

Expecting decadent scenes from the director’s cut of Caligula, we were taken aback to note all revellers were kitted out in casual clothing– even our gentleman caller from earlier. We decided to go with the flow and enjoy the warm atmosphere before heading back for an early night.

Despite the park's relatively remote location, Stratheck is just a 10-minute drive from the well-known Hunter’s Quay Holiday Village in Dunoon, where guests at Treetop Lodge can enjoy top-class leisure facilities and entertainment as part of their Argyll Holidays package.

In its elevated coastal position, this magnet for families boasts spectacular panoramic views across the Holy Loch and the Argyllshire mountains. However, the heart of the Village’s appeal lies in its pools, saunas, leisure facilities and busy restaurant – with regular live entertainment keeping the children amused as parents de-stress and de-frag.

Hunter’s Quay is also surrounded by a generous abundance of walks and wildlife, and is a perfect starting point for exploring local highlights such as Inveraray – the co-ordinates of which we fed into the car’s Sat Nav for a trip to the town’s famous Jail.

A living museum where actors portray life in one of Scotland’s most inhospitable 19th-century institutions, Inveraray Jail sees visitors interact with courtroom trials, meet the warden, witness cell life and browse a mildly disturbing exhibition of prison artefacts. This macabre attraction draws thousands of visitors each year and on the rainy Sunday afternoon we arrived, the claustrophobic halls were crammed with gawping voyeurs gripped by this interactive insight into the hellish reality of 19th-century prison life.

Immediately desperate to take advantage of our freedom, a tour of the nearby Loch Fyne Ales facility seemed in order. We were taken in hand by the bubbly Brewery Tap manager Sam Bennett, who enthusiastically regaled us on the humble origins of the business – an old cattle shed – and then guided us through the firm’s new Breaking Bad-style brewing factory.

Production starts with the collection of water from a hillside burn just behind the main building – canny use of Argyll’s most abundant resource, with over 10 feet of rain falling each year. Defining the living embodiment of happiness are the cows which graze here – fed on the leftover by-product of the brewing process, presumably they are the only herd in the UK who don't spark fears of CJD when they fall over.

Determined to smell the roses after our brief incarceration in Inveraray, we made a quick stop-off at Benmore Botanic Gardens, whose magnificent mountainside setting was a joy to behold. Its 49 hectares boast a deeply impressive collection of flowering trees and shrubs, including over 300 species of rhododendron and more than one third of the world’s hardy conifer species. The gardens also boast exotic collections from North and South America, the Orient and the Himalayas.

Visitors are welcomed by an impressive avenue of Giant Redwoods, arguably one of the finest entrances to any botanic garden in the world. Established in 1863, these majestic giants now stand over 50 metres high. Seven miles of trails lead off to a range of attractions, including a restored Victorian fernery with over 70 species of fern and the gardens' newly renovated Golden Gates.

Eventually arriving back at Stratheck to bid farewell to Treetops Lodge and the park’s colourful inhabitants, the irony of seeing Sony’s latest technological marvel sitting unloved and unsullied in the corner of the room wasn’t beyond us – it was clear with reality this vivid, a headset is quite unnecessary.

William Bain was a guest of Argyll Holidays at Stratheck Holiday Park’s Treetops Lodge. The firm is based at Drimsynie Estate, Lochgoilhead, Argyll, PA24 8AD. Call 0345 459 6412 or go online at www.argyllholidays.com