There are still a smattering of eejits and know-nothings out there who believe that rock 'n' roll evolved out of a head-on collision between the blues and country music. Don’t believe a word of it.

Rock 'n' roll was invented by a Bronx lad named Bernard Schwartz.

Bernie didn’t play an instrument and he wasn’t much of a singer. What he did have was hair. Lots of it.

Loading article content

He took that hair all the way to Hollywood, where he also had a name change, becoming Tony Curtis. Curtis starred in a bunch of movies, some of them good, some of them bad. But the hair was always immaculate. Jet black with a jolt of jukebox recklessness – it was the epitome of 50s misunderstood youth.

A young Elvis Presley saw the style, copied it, and the rest is rock 'n' roll.

Never underestimate the ability of a few feisty follicles to turn history on its head. It certainly explains why I’m so nervous right now. You see, over the past few weeks I’ve noticed the unstoppable resurgence of the short-back-and-sides.

It’s not a pretty sight, and I’m still not certain what it means for the future of mankind. But the signs are ominous.

The only man who ever made this savagely severe haircut work in his favour was George Orwell. Orwell was a Spartan soul, never happier than when he was unhappy. One of the highlights of his short life was writing his dystopian novel, Nineteen Eighty-Four, whilst holed up in a grim Scottish farmhouse.

Most people enjoy Christmas Eve with their relatives, or in the pub. In 1947, Orwell spent the festivities in hospital near Glasgow, suffering from Chronic Tuberculosis. Not his fault, of course, but the man seemed to attract pain and misery like a magnet sucks up metal filings. If Orwell was alive today, it’s hard to imagine him being the sort of guy who jets off to Ibiza to enjoy a few banging tunes, followed by a drunken tattoo etched on the left buttock. He was a curmudgeon of a cove, topped off by the world’s grumpiest haircut.

Yet blokekind the world over has chosen to ignore those shortcomings, and followed George into the abyss.

It can only mean the arrival of a second Dark Age. I’m positive that there is a direct link between the current Euro crises and the rise of the short-back-and-sides.

Think about it.

The short back and sides is a perfect visual representation of all that is wrong with the European set up. Down South we have Greece, suffering severe economic hardship. Cuts all round. Everything clipped and trimmed to the bone.

Travel northwards towards Germany and the economy becomes lustrous, like the thick-haired pinnacle of the short-back-and-sides.

Can any of this be true?

Is the economy of a great continent being undermined by the barbarous barbers of Scotland, and beyond?

Perhaps not.

Though just to be on the safe side, I’d prefer it if men the world over returned to a safer and more optimistic hair styling. Is it still too early to demand the return of the perky perm?