THE only thing worse than being the kind of man who buys slippers online is being the kind of man who buys slippers online then goes back to post a review of his purchase. I could be about to become the first. I dearly hope I never become the second.

Other slipper-wearers are less wary about 'fessing up, though. “As I travel a bit I like to wear these when I go for long haul because they don't set off metal detectors” is one comment I found from a happy customer. The slippers in question wouldn't set off sheepskin detectors, either, because they're of that ursine species whose wool is best described as “faux”. Still, it begs the question: what kind of slippers would set off a metal detector?

And if I owned a pair of Cosy Bear Feet Hibernation Wear baffies – yes, they come with claws – I'd certainly keep quiet about it. Again, others clearly don't feel the same way. Oddly, most of the chat in the review section here seems to be about issues of sizing rather than, say, how ursine purchasers feel when wearing them and how good the claws are for climbing trees or spearing live salmon in a fast-flowing river.

Intriguingly, one women who had bought a pair for her boyfriend wrote: “Am disappointed as he has previously had similar novelty slippers that have fitted perfectly." I'd love to know what the other novelty slippers were. Were they all bear-themed? Another reviewer complained about the bottoms of the slippers not being "sturdy" enough, the implication being that this person actually leaves the house wearing his Cosy Bear Feet Hibernation Wear baffies. That I would love to see.

The thing is, I do need new slippers. For the last five years I've been wearing a very comfortable (and, I think, quite stylish) woollen pair. They were half price in the January sales because they're festooned with images of snow flakes. Anyway they've been chewed by something – not a bear – and now they're holed below the sock line.

Fancying a change, I've set my heart on a pair of sheepskin booties. Partly it's because they look warm but mostly it's because my partner runs screaming from the room every time I say the words “sheepskin bootie” out loud. (There's something else I've come across in my slipper research called a “double gusset”, which term has the same effect. Now if only I can find a sheepskin bootie that has one …)

Mind you, I can't say the reviews aren't useful. Dipping into the world of booties and double gussets I come across a rather natty pair of slippers by a maker with the excellent name of Shepherd. “Bought these for my husband who laughed at them at first,” writes one user. “Now I can't get them off his feet." All right so far. But then comes the killer line: "Only reason I have given a four star [review] is that they do have a very unusual smell."

Oh well, the search continues then. Afraid I'm going to keep news of the eventual outcome to myself, though. And I certainly won't be sharing it online.