Why is my sister ignoring me?
Before he passed away, I looked after my elderly father for several years, who battled with both prostate cancer and dementia. He was very hard work at times, but I was happy to care for him as my sister lives on the other side of the country and has a tough job, as well as three teenage children.
Towards the end of his life though, I developed M.E. and I simply didn't have the energy to manage. Because we don't have any other close family members, my sister was forced to take over. Sadly, I never got to see my dad again and he died a few months later.
My M.E. is now, more or less, stabilised and while I still get exhausted easily, I am no longer badly affected by headaches and joint pain. My sister and I had little or no contact while I was ill but I was fine with that, because I knew she had more than enough to do with our dad.
Since the funeral though, she's ignored the emails and messages I've left on her mobile phone, which always goes straight to voicemail. I've even sent a letter by post but got no reply. Why is she doing this to me?
TM.
FIONA SAYS: YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN AND TALK
It's possible that she doesn't understand just how debilitating M.E. can be and thinks you used it as an excuse to pass your father's care across to her. Or she may simply resent the fact that she had to make some major changes to her life to care for your father.
Another possibility is that she is grieving over his death and distancing herself from people so that she can avoid talking about it. Alternatively, perhaps she now understands what you had to do for several years and feels guilty that she didn't do more. Or, she may even be ill herself...
I could go on, but I think you can see that this would only be speculation. The bottom line is, you won't know until you've had a chance to talk to her. If she won't respond, could you contact other members of the family? Perhaps her husband or the oldest of her children? They may not know exactly what the problem is, but they can at least reassure you that she is otherwise OK.
In the meantime, try not to judge her too harshly. She may have very valid reasons why she is avoiding contact that might have nothing to do with you. Continue to leave messages that stress how worried you are about her and that you miss her.
Hopefully, given time, she will be able to respond. If not, I can only suggest that you arrange to visit her. This may have the potential to be awkward or even confrontational, but it will give you the best chance of understanding what is going on.
MY DAUGHTER'S IN-LAWS ARE JEALOUS
My daughter's in-laws have complained to her that they're not getting to see their nine-month-old grandson as often as they would like. They think that I see him far more often than they do because I pressure my daughter to visit me.
She didn't say anything to them at the time, but she doesn't feel at all guilty - and nor should she. The fact is, I have a very good relationship with my daughter and do see her and my grandson quite regularly. I've never put pressure on her because I've always known she'd only resent me if I did.
I do, however, feel a bit angry that her in-laws have said these things, and I wonder if I should tackle them about it? My daughter has enough on her plate coping with a new baby without this sort of nonsense.
AB.
FIONA SAYS: IT'S NOT WORTH GETTING IN A FIGHT OVER
What would it achieve? Your daughter seems to have shrugged off their comments and I suggest that you do too. After all, it's not as though there is anything about the current relationship with your daughter that you need to change.
Yes, it might feel good to give them a few home truths, but it may also mean that future visits from them are even more strained than they already are. As things stand, your daughter is happy to see you often, probably for the very reason you mentioned; you don't make demands.
If her in-laws can't see this, then that's their loss.
If you have a problem and you'd like Fiona's advice, email help@askfiona.net
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here