Why is my sister ignoring me?

Before he passed away, I looked after my elderly father for several years, who battled with both prostate cancer and dementia. He was very hard work at times, but I was happy to care for him as my sister lives on the other side of the country and has a tough job, as well as three teenage children.

Towards the end of his life though, I developed M.E. and I simply didn't have the energy to manage. Because we don't have any other close family members, my sister was forced to take over. Sadly, I never got to see my dad again and he died a few months later.

My M.E. is now, more or less, stabilised and while I still get exhausted easily, I am no longer badly affected by headaches and joint pain. My sister and I had little or no contact while I was ill but I was fine with that, because I knew she had more than enough to do with our dad.

Since the funeral though, she's ignored the emails and messages I've left on her mobile phone, which always goes straight to voicemail. I've even sent a letter by post but got no reply. Why is she doing this to me?

TM.

FIONA SAYS: YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN AND TALK

It's possible that she doesn't understand just how debilitating M.E. can be and thinks you used it as an excuse to pass your father's care across to her. Or she may simply resent the fact that she had to make some major changes to her life to care for your father.

Another possibility is that she is grieving over his death and distancing herself from people so that she can avoid talking about it. Alternatively, perhaps she now understands what you had to do for several years and feels guilty that she didn't do more. Or, she may even be ill herself...

I could go on, but I think you can see that this would only be speculation. The bottom line is, you won't know until you've had a chance to talk to her. If she won't respond, could you contact other members of the family? Perhaps her husband or the oldest of her children? They may not know exactly what the problem is, but they can at least reassure you that she is otherwise OK.

In the meantime, try not to judge her too harshly. She may have very valid reasons why she is avoiding contact that might have nothing to do with you. Continue to leave messages that stress how worried you are about her and that you miss her.

Hopefully, given time, she will be able to respond. If not, I can only suggest that you arrange to visit her. This may have the potential to be awkward or even confrontational, but it will give you the best chance of understanding what is going on.

MY DAUGHTER'S IN-LAWS ARE JEALOUS

My daughter's in-laws have complained to her that they're not getting to see their nine-month-old grandson as often as they would like. They think that I see him far more often than they do because I pressure my daughter to visit me.

She didn't say anything to them at the time, but she doesn't feel at all guilty - and nor should she. The fact is, I have a very good relationship with my daughter and do see her and my grandson quite regularly. I've never put pressure on her because I've always known she'd only resent me if I did.

I do, however, feel a bit angry that her in-laws have said these things, and I wonder if I should tackle them about it? My daughter has enough on her plate coping with a new baby without this sort of nonsense.

AB.

FIONA SAYS: IT'S NOT WORTH GETTING IN A FIGHT OVER

What would it achieve? Your daughter seems to have shrugged off their comments and I suggest that you do too. After all, it's not as though there is anything about the current relationship with your daughter that you need to change.

Yes, it might feel good to give them a few home truths, but it may also mean that future visits from them are even more strained than they already are. As things stand, your daughter is happy to see you often, probably for the very reason you mentioned; you don't make demands.

If her in-laws can't see this, then that's their loss.

If you have a problem and you'd like Fiona's advice, email help@askfiona.net