I've been sitting here for five minutes while the contents of this clay pot bubble away at an alarming speed. There's Mekong river catfish in there, though let's be honest, that caramelised fish sauce is so black it could be any firm-fleshed fish, even salmon.

I'm not exaggerating when I say the heat from this thing is so intense that I have loosened my tie. The waiter's come over – the waiting staff in here are over far, far too often but that's another story – and together we try to blow out the furiously burning Vietnamese waxes that the pot sits on. It keeps reigniting.

Tonight is starting to turn into a Monty Python sketch. Frankly? The whole meal takes a surreal turn from the moment I accidentally order the mixed starters for two at £8.50. Just for me. I won't notice the phrase "per person" until I get the bill much later and suddenly stop thinking of them as great value.

"Are you sure, sir?" the manager says when I order.

"I'm sure," I breezily reply then proceed to order two mains. Normally? Nobody cares. Chubby guy. On his own. Probably eating to get over something. Tonight? Next thing a waiter is at the table apologising that the drinks menu, long since taken away, had had a stain on it. It looked clean to me. Then the manager is up again clearing away excess chopsticks, tidying my table and wanting to linger. Crikey. Then the waitress is sent over with a fruit cocktail that looks frankly like Carmen Miranda's budgie's breakfast and I get some waffle about testing new drinks.

"Are you giving everyone a free drink?" I ask, looking suspiciously round tables bustling with the young dudes who frequent this, the studenty, kiss-me-quick stretch of Sauchiehall Street. None of those tables has this monstrosity on them.

Aha. They have taken me for one of those bloggers who turns up and hoovers up free stuff. I did take a photo of the menu when I arrived. So I poke my nose into the undergrowth at the top of the drink and take a sook of the double-width straw. Ugh. Sickly sweet and tepid. I hand it back to the hovering waitress and return to my banh xeo. "Cut pancake into small portions, wrap in lettuce, dip in sauce," are the small-print instructions on the menu. Sadly, I don't read these until long after I have aimlessly broken lumps off the deep-fried batter-tasting pancake thing and scooped up a bland prawn, chicken and beansprout mix with it. Why I didn't realise there would be a wrap-in-lettuce instruction is beyond me.

The general rule in Non Viet seems to be to wrap everything in lettuce leaf. Earlier I foolishly try to eat the crunchy spring roll, which is filled with minced meat and actually pretty good, without wrapping it. The staff are over immediately. I wave them off, having absolutely no intention of going near the unappetising lettuce leaves.

The pork wrapped in betel leaf, though? An intensely flavoured, intensely coloured taste sensation. The usual rubbery, floppy, eggy-tasting fish cakes that were also on the starter platter? Hmm. Better tasting and prettily translucent are summer rolls stuffed with prawns. There's a smokey barbecued squid too, with a sweet and sour salad and a heap of rice noodles that completes the dish, which is meant for two. I avoid the noodle mountain to leave space for my double mains.

There's not much needed, though, as the fried pancake doesn't float my boat and the Mekon catfish looks like it will be overcooked beyond belief. In fact? The fish holds up well and the sauce – a sweet concoction with the texture of cough syrup – is quite pleasant. I could possibly eat more of it. But the waitress is back with a whole drinks menu asking me to pick a drink, any drink. While the manager looks on.

Time to go. Before they realise I'm no internet celebrity.

Non Viet

534 Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow (nonviet.co.uk, 0141 332 2975)

Menu: Among the tiny print and confusing layout are Vietnamese dishes including shaking beef, crispy pancakes, Mekong catfish. A bit different. 4/5

Atmosphere: Has a chain-restaurant feel with scooters and tricycles mounted on the walls but otherwise bright and cheery. 4/5

Service: Crazily overattentive on the night I visited on management orders. The waiting staff are pleasant and helpful though so we won't blame them. 4/5

Price: Double starter sharing plate is possibly a bit saltily priced but around £8 to £9 for mains excluding side dishes and rices. 3/5

Food: Is this the new Chinese? Probably not, but the flavours from the spicing and sauces are strong and the starters pretty good. 6/10

Total: 21/30