TO Edinburgh, then, on a glorious day with the canal lapping quietly outside, children scootering around madly inside and a man calmly walking his dog right through the middle of the place.
Hello? What? Was that a dog?
Hang on, we know that Edinburgh is a liberal place at the best of times but this is a restaurant, isn’t it?
It is and a Swedish one at that. There’s even, and we did have a little haw-he-haw chuckle at this, a sign at the bottom of the stairs saying Ikea Staff Function This Way.
That might explain why the restaurant staff spend an inordinate amount of time at the little booth right beside, and I mean right beside, our table making “testing one, two, three” murmurs into the microphone. Endlessly.
Not in itself an issue but as there is also what sounds to my uneducated ear mad Swedish trumpet music playing very loudly over the top of this. And it is all coming from the speaker right above our heads. A tad wearing, though this happens at the end of the meal when we have grown very tired of the very, very long wait for the desserts. Never mind, when in Sweden and all that (bad) jazz. Akva is one of five, or so, Swedish bars, cafes and restaurants in a chain sweeping the capital with their all-round wholesomeness. Obviously a successful formula I keep saying to my family, who are kind of liking the whole summery vibe up to but not including the point where the smorgasbord arrives. Now, smorgasbord platter? What amazing dishes from our northern cousins are we going to eat here? Uh, there’s some sliced bread like you would get with a bowl of soup in a hotel dining room. Is that a chopped French breadstick? Some of it exhibiting that one-side dryness which indicates whatever it is, it wasn’t cut exactly recently.
There’s some smoked fish; peppered mackerel, some ordinary smoked mackerel, a bit of smoked trout, some dry and grainy cream cheese; a boiled egg, some standard salad leaves and a bit of lemon. That’s it.
Of the herbs that are billed as being there? Not noticeable. Did we really need to travel into Edinburgh to experience this kind of smorgasbord? Or could have easily replicated this at home, after a visit to Tesco? Or Asda? Answers on a postcard, please.
The latter route certainly wouldn’t cost you the whopping £16.50 this has just cost me. But there’s also a salmon and potato rosti which tastes pretty much like a very ordinary £6.95 omelette, and for a far more reasonable £3 a couple of spoonfuls of herring in lemon and dill dressing with a single Ryvita. Seriously.
We also order out of curiosity the plank steak – a “Swedish favourite”. This turns out to be a steak. On a plank.
Was it grilled on the plank as it’s supposed to be? Hard to tell. An inoffensive piece of meat anyway served with mash that has us all tasting it again to see if its strange texture is because it is made with real potato or dried.
While this has all been going on and during that extremely long delay til desserts arrive, including two visits to the bar to ask the staff if they’ve been forgotten, the place has almost completely emptied.
Whether this is because of the music carry-on who knows? But when what is billed on the menu as “homemade” chilled apple crumble finally arrives patience that has worn thin completely evaporates. This dessert that took so long is no apple crumble. It is a couple of scoops of cubed apples and a sprinkle of that hard, not very pleasant crunchy substance usually found in the wedgy bit of a Muller Corner. That’s a type of commercial yoghurt since you ask. Awful. At this, and having had Edinburgh’s in vogue Swedish experience, we pay and leave. Unlikely to ever return.
Akva
129 Fountainbridge, Edinburgh (0131 290 2500)
Menu: The Swedish vibe is all the rage in Edinburgh and this offers smorgasbord, plank steaks, and apple crumbles. Bit rubbish though. 3/5
Atmosphere: The only good point is the relaxed, chilled beside-the-canal-atmosphere, decor a bit tired though, music annoying. 3/5
Service: Pleasant enough and plenty of staff, but didn’t get the food to the table any quicker, kitchen very slow at desserts. 3/5
Price: Overpriced and ordinary, and £16.50 for very ordinary smoked mackerel and bread is daft. 2/5
Food: Swedish by name but generic by nature, hugely overpriced for the very ordinary offerings. Pretty hopeless. 4/10
Total: 15/30
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