Been head-hunted by the SFA. They are to use my nose as a recreation of the Easter Road slope in the Scottish Football Museum. My ears are the very model, of course, for the Homecoming Cup. This has caused some confusion. At my first cup final in 1969, Billy McNeill, possibly perturbed by elation, picked me out by my ears from the schoolboys' enclosure and brandished me in front of a delirious Celtic end. He was probably also misled by the fact that I was wearing green and white ribbons. Mummy always wanted a girl.

Been head-hunted by the SFA. They are to use my nose as a recreation of the Easter Road slope in the Scottish Football Museum. My ears are the very model, of course, for the Homecoming Cup. This has caused some confusion. At my first cup final in 1969, Billy McNeill, possibly perturbed by elation, picked me out by my ears from the schoolboys' enclosure and brandished me in front of a delirious Celtic end. He was probably also misled by the fact that I was wearing green and white ribbons. Mummy always wanted a girl.

Anyway.

The SFA contacted me this week to solve a little local difficulty. "Have you heard of Nacho Novo?" a spokesman inquired. "Yes, isn't it asort of crisp-like snack?" Iventured with all the certainty ofGeorge Bush playing chess.

"No, Big Ears, he is a Spanish guy who insists he wants to play for Scotland. So how can we devise a test that means only trueScotsmen like Nigel Quashie and Stuart McCall play for Burley's Buccaneers?"

"That's twice you've mentioned ears," I replied, going into a huff (asmall room off the conservatory where mobile phone reception is much better). However, I decided to do my national duty and have come up with 10 tests to divine the authentic Scot. This Magnus Carter will be taken to the Scottish Parliament and enshrined in law.

10 The applicant must be sentimental. He should be given 10 pints of lager and then presented to his best friend. Ifhe says "I love you, big man, I really love you" he has passed stage one. If he says this and then, minutes later, sticks the heid on hismate he has no need to take the rest of the test. He is a true Scot.

9 The applicant's medical history should not include visits to the doctor. Real Scots don't go to doctors. There was once amazement when a Wisconsin farmer walked to hospital with his severed arm, well, under his arm. A true Scot would declare it was a scratch and shout: "Hen, do you know where that superglue is?"

8 The applicant should be placed in a deep-freeze in a T-shirt. Atrue Scot will take the T-shirt off, declaring the atmosphere to be "a bit close".

7 The applicant must have a sense of humour. If he laughs at the Vicar of Dibley or Last of the Summer Wine, he has failed. If he thinks Manuel (or even Nacho Novo) sticking the heid on Jonathan Ross is funny, he has passed. If he has a mate at work who has a boat and eczema and immediately calls him Skinbad the Sailor, he need not take the rest of the test.

6 The applicant should be taken to a wedding. If he is found, within minutes, far from the dance floor and in the snug bar watching Aldershot v Lower Cholmondely on the telly with his mates, he has passed.

5 The applicant's dietary habits should be observed. If he likes haggis, he fails. If he likes haggis deep-fried with chips, he passes.

4 The applicant's verbal skills should be closely scrutinised. The ability to swear is, of course, mandatory. However, more is needed for international footballers. The applicant must be able to spray swearwords with the facility of Jim Baxter cracking the ball 40 yards. The true internationalist will be able not only to insert swearwords into sentences but even into words. Example: "Unbelievable. Absoeffin'lutely uneffin'believable."

3 The applicant must have a sure way with culture or kultur. He must know he is smart. But he feels slightly guilty about talking about reading books, as if that will be the first step to spending Friday nights in the soft furnishing department of John Lewis.

He has strong views on films.

He thinks rom-coms have something to do with computers. He can only watch Braveheart when drunk and is always slightly surprised when the Scots guy loses.

Maybe it was the make-up, he slurs to no one in particular before turning the telly over to order the 10-CD set of Great Guitar Hits of the 80s.

2 The applicant will have set views on seduction. He will believe that foreplay is buying the fish suppers on the way home.

1 The applicant will then take the Irn-Bru test. Taking the wonderful bottle of elixir in his mitt, he must drink it in one big slug, a wipe of the neck of the bottle with a manky cuff, followed by a deep rift and a heartfelt: "That's better." Ideally, bottle of Irn-Bru should then be left horizontally on dashboard.

Nacho failed. I passed.

They are fitting me out for a strip. They are having trouble finding one that can slide over my ears.