My verdict: two stars.

A gig that begins with a funny turn before the show has even started doesn't bode well for the rest of the night. But by the end it seems clear it was probably some prophetic reaction of what was to come, rather than an extreme bout of vertigo.

There's a theory that you're either a Strictly person or a Dancing on Ice person - or that's what I'm led to believe from a straw poll of my Saturday night TV watching pals, anyway.

For me, it comes down to the danger aspect.

Strictly cannot promise the very real possibility of someone scalping themselves with their own ice skate on live TV. Or that Todd Carty will career off a rink completely out of control via the fire exit. But it has a huge following, so it must be me that's in the wrong.

TV and radio veteran Zoe Ball hosts Strictly at the Hydro, which adopts the premise of the Saturday night programme where dancers and celebs compete against each other. The audience gets to vote for which of their favourite couples they think should win, and are charged for the pleasure of doing so.

The judging panel, which usually boasts Farmfoods-enthusiast Len Goodman among others, is comprised tonight of original judge Craig Revel Horwood, previous winner Tom Chambers, and pro dancer Camilla Dallerup, who in particular displays all the warmth and charisma of a dead shrew.

As per the television version, some celebs are better than others. TV personality and Strictly '14 alumni Mark Wright wields his partner Karen across the floor by her leg during their ballroom dance. I am put in mind of how I treat my Henry Hoover when my partner hasn't vacuumed the living room in weeks. It is a glorious thing to watch if you love cleaning angrily to Sade.

It helps if each couple have a good tune to perform to. Simon Webbe of boyband Blue dances dramatically to 'Roxanne' and creates an atmospheric experience unlike anything that succeeds it. He has snake hips, or something.

Radio 1 presenter Scott Mills is dressed as Sebastian the crab from The Little Mermaid and stumbles around to Under The Sea flanked by two professional dancers going tonto in bright chinos and fish heads. An accidental triumph and the crowd (and I) love it.

The magic of two people moving together, however skilfully, is lost in this overblown format though. The Hydro is too big to catch the nuances of '14 winner Caroline Flack's intricate footwork which we know is evident from seeing her on TV. At the Hydro we are forced to watch the couples from the screens and we can do that at home.

The stage feels like a big empty Monopoly board without enough players to fill it. And talking of games, it's possible to play Scottish stereotype bingo with the vast number of references made by the performers and host during the course of the night.

Thom Evans compared to a haggis? Zoe Ball admitting she scarfed a Tunnocks tea cake and a caramel bar during the break? Scott Mills in a see-you Jimmy hat? To paraphrase a term of our own: geez peace.

It is worth retouching on the fact in the interest of impartiality that your reviewer was seated in the highest echelons of the Hydro, where the steel spaghetti junction of lights and supporting structures form a huge Independence Day-style alien spaceship above the crowd.

Your reviewer may or may not have had a had a major wobbly when first seated thanks to the disorientating concrete sheerness of the Hydro's design which may or may not have influenced in some small way her enjoyment of the show.

But it's not the show's fault that the Hydro is panic-attack-inducing high. We cannot blame it for that.

I'd wager that Strictly Live is empty and flawed enough to make non-fans weep and clutch their significant other in fright all by itself.