If you're a hopelessly tragic sports fan as I am, there's no town quite like Melbourne.

This month, as the sun shines and the suburbs sizzle, on offer are cricket - more of it than you can shake a bat at, the Asian Football Cup, cycling, horseracing and the small matter of the Australian Tennis Open.

International sport is where it's for most Aussies, as patriotic a bunch as you'll ever come across, with a win-at-all-costs mentality that more often than not leads to success.

Bit harsh, you say?

Um, don't think so and certainly not when it comes to the Australian cricket side who'll clearly do anything to gain the upper hand, including indulging in the black art of sledging, of which they're undisputed World Champs.

Sledging of course, is another word for unsavoury verbal intimidation, giving the other lot pelters, something of which there was never any shortage in any game I ever played way back when in Glasgow amateur football leagues.

Backchat we used to call it, designed to put the opposition off their game - relatively innocuous in the scheme of things and certainly way down the intimidation scale when compared to being chased from the pitch at full time in muddy strips and boots whilst dodging empty wine bottles being hurled by the disgruntled losers.

I don't know about you, but next to that, being told by a big hulking fast-bowler 'yer da's a p**f' is pretty mild, really.

All in all, Australia is a hard team to support, not least because they win so often.

However, even in sports where they're far from world beaters, I still find it problematic to cheer them on.

It hasn't attracted much interest in Scotland I know, but the Asian Football Cup is being played here at the moment and, as far as the Australian public is concerned it's 'a dawdle by the way, just give us the cup now and save youse all the bother', sort of thing.

A couple of factual details should inspire grave suspicions about this spectacularly confident assertion.

Firstly, the Aussies have next to no football pedigree whatsoever; it's not really their game. (All right, they've had a couple of decent performance at World Cups under their belt and they've even qualified for the latter stages once, which is more than Scotland have ever done, but that's by the by.)

Secondly, as more geographically-savvy people might have noticed, Australia isn't actually in Asia.

I'm not sure how it happened but no doubt since it was sanctioned by FIFA it was a scrupulously fair process, the Aussies were included in the Asian Federation a few years ago and they haven't missed out on World Cup qualification since. Funny that.

Anyway, Australia are nailed-on favourites for the Asian Cup on the basis of typical larrikin chutzpah alone, enough to make this observer at any rate, support almost every team that plays against them.

Falling amidst this potential sporting triumph - let's hope it doesn't happen but the thing is, knowing the Aussies, it could - is Australia Day itself, when the entire nation gets together to collectively chant the refrain - 'oh why are we so good?'

Barbeque breakfasts, rubber thongs and Australian flags are required elements in the unashamed celebration enjoyed by everyone, with the possible exception of the indigenous population who logically enough, tend to see Captain Cook's discovery of their homeland more an act of invasion than one of nationhood.

No matter, should the national team proceed to the Asian Cup finals, the whole place will go green-and-gold berko, with a resultant outbreak of objectionable rampant nationalism and discordant hubbub worse than you'd experience at an average Run Rig gig.

What is it about some people that they feel the need to support their country's representatives despite the palpable foibles, weaknesses and ideological defects?

What happened to fair play and may the best man win?

You wouldn't see us Scots doing that. We're certainly not the type of people to pile on the support for any old sportsman just because they happened to be wearing our national colours.

Not us. I don't think so.

Guess what?

Andy Murray is in town. The Australian Tennis Open, a tournament where the big fella - Crocodile Dunblane you'll recall - tends to do quite well.

You've got to support Andy. He's one of us. A Scot. What other reason do you need?

And anyway, with a bit of luck, somewhere along the way, he might even get the chance to give the message to a cocky, we-are-the-people green and gold festooned, arrogant Aussie.

Parochial, me?

Nah, just a wee touch of arthritis.