SHOVE up the bed a bit, will you?

I'm not joking. It's starting to get crowded in here. I should define my terms. When I say "here", I mean the world.

It says here that by 2100 the population of the planet Earth — defined for the purposes of this divertissement as the place where you live — could hit 12 billion.

That's up from 7.2bn. Scientists have warned that this could worsen global problems such as disease and poverty. Well spotted, boffins.

Still, every time predictions of population growth occur, you get people saying it's fine and we'll not only cope but prosper. The tragedy of human beings is that they're always trying to be smart, particularly the thick ones.

You can't put a gloss on the population nearly doubling. If we haven't colonised other planets by 2100 then we'll be hunkered in bunkers eating out of tins.

Even if most growth is in the poor old Third World, it's difficult enough already here in Scotia Minor to find peace and quiet. Doesn't matter where you go, somebody'll be along in a minute to start making a racket and getting on your wick.

Countless times, I've seen cottages for sale in remote areas, where there isn't another neighbour for miles, except next door where another house exists right in yer face.

In the end, to exist in a natural world far from the madding crowd, we'll have to put on a headset and live virtually.

Meanwhile, what of those who persist in procreating? I can only speak for the West, where I've been able to observe you Earthlings at close quarters. Here, the miracle of creating new life remains the most satisfying experience for many people.

It even eclipses Pink Floyd's first album. Weird. But I don't think people have children in quite the unthinking, animal way they did in the past.

We don't churn 'em out any more after drunken outrages committed by husband on wife on a Friday night.

But they still keep coming in ones and twos and, further afield, by the barrowload. One wants to say, "The more the merrier", and maybe it is for the best.

After all, soon we'll be colonising the stars. And we'll need lots of people for that.

But don't be surprised if you see a nice pod for sale on Alpha Centauri — with another one right next door to it.