If ever there was an Olympian task, then surely this is it.

The marathon? Pathetic. The 10,000 metres? Ha! That's egg and spoon compared with this. Do either of those involve tackling spiders the size of Bradley Wiggins' sideburns? These lads have been lying in wait for you behind those tins of paint since 2008 – the date you last tackled this part of your, ahem, 'estate' – and now come scurrying out crying "WOOOH!", waving their legs in the air and charging from one corner of the shelves to the next as if they are at their very own arachnoid opening ceremony.

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