I DON'T as a rule visit pubs.

Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable places. Make you late for dinner.

And, though I used to visit once or twice a year, I haven't been to England for ages. Too much exposure to certain tabloid newspapers — for professional purposes, you understand — has led me to believe the natives hate us and might form an anti-Scottish mob were I to breenge into a chippie and say: "A haddock supper wi' broon sauce, ken?"

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