Eurovision is a sobering affair

EUROVISION Song Contest of course at the weekend. Britain's abysmal points total was summed up by James Doleman who commented on Saturday night: "Feeling really disappointed I chose Britain getting a point as a trigger for drinking game.

"Anyone need a lift home?"

We also commend writer David Schneider for managing to squeeze in a political point. Said David: "UK only gets five points but millions will have voted for us! Surely now it's time we abandoned First Past the Post."

Seat fight has a long history

CRITICISM of the new SNP MPs trying to gain Dennis Skinner's favourite seat in the Commons reminds us of Dennis Canavan's autobiography Let the People Decide. Said Dennis: "When I stood for the Scottish Parliament, the Labour Party expelled me but I still occupied my usual seat in the Commons. However, on my final appearance, the Whips tried to unseat me by stuffing the entire bench with Labour MPs.

"I tried to perch myself on a tiny patch of green leather bench between Dennis Skinner and Jimmy Hood but Dennis and Jimmy closed ranks and I found myself sitting with one buttock on Dennis's right knee and the other on Jimmy's left."

So it seems Dennis Skinner has been fighting over that seat for years.

Warm welcome to the wallies

LINGUISTIC misunderstandings. Says Moira Campbell: "When I was an English assistant in a German school, the class was doing a reading passage about Wales. German children pronounce 'v' in English as a 'w'. Therefore one child informed me that in Wales there are 'lots of hills and wallies'. Not a very nice way to describe the Welsh."

Roll is sliced of all its meaning

BUT misunderstandings also apply in Scotland with regional variations. In Inverclyde, for example, a roll and square sausage is known as a slice roll. Says Jamie Wilkie: "We were heading on an extended family holiday to Disneyland, and at Glasgow Airport, my grannie from Gourock ordered a 'slice roll'. I almost ended myself when I saw my gran lifting the top off the roll, which had been simply sliced in half, and inquiring, 'what's this hen?'"

Straight talking morning after

A POSTSCRIPT to the General Election where David Adams in Knightswood tells us that the following day he was in his local newsagent's where he gave a diatribe about the result when asked by the proprietor for his views. Eventually David turned to the chap waiting behind him and asked him what he thought. Says David: "He put his paper and his morning rolls on the counter, gave me a look and said quietly, 'Ah'm thinking that if you'd just go hame, ah could get served.' No wonder I love Glasgow."

A witty vision of the future

A TIP from Jim Buchan if you go for an interview this year. "If you are asked," says Jim, "where do you see yourself in five years, you can cleverly reply, 'I don't know. I don't have 2020 vision.'"

Irish step out into the sun

GREAT vote in Ireland the other day. A piece of whimsy from Colm Tobin who remarks: "I saw the headline 'The Day the Irish Turned Pink' and I have to say it's slightly misleading. That happens any day the sun is out, in all fairness."

Tale comes with trimmings

A COLLEAGUE feels the need to interrupt us with: "I has a Sunday roast with all the trimmings. That's the last time I eat at the hairdresser's."