SCOTS actor and writer Tony Roper recalls in his just published autobiography, I'll No Tell You Again, that despite being a Celtic fan he appeared in a comedy sketch on the show Naked Radio as a Celtic director, when the club had a reputation for parsimony, taking all the empty bottles from the terracing to the local shop to get money back on the empties.

Days later at his house the doorbell went, and when he got there, all he could see was a taxi disappearing, and on the doorstep was a crate of empty beer bottles. On top was a letter on Celtic club notepaper which said: "Here is your share of the takings."

Boabie on the bench

SAD to see that Gavin Mitchell, last seen in the Still Game Hydro show as barman Boabie, has had to pull out from the King's Theatre pantomime. We remember when Gavin was the evil Abanazar in the King's Aladdin panto and appeared in full costume at the Subway in Glasgow to promote the show. One chap getting off a Subway train took one look at Gavin on the platform and remarked: "Has yer magic carpet broken doon?"

Sub story

OUR story of Chic Murray at Oban pier spinning a tall tale in order to keep some tourists happy reminds Dougie Don: "Years ago the landing craft Andalsnes was lying alongside Helensburgh pier. A couple of OAPs off a tour bus from Glasgow asked the Quartermaster, 'What kind of ship is this?'

"He replied, 'It's a submarine catcher,' pointed to the bow doors, and said, 'We sneak up behind them on a dark night and...' then demonstrating with his hands, snapped them shut. He then put his finger to his lips and said, 'But sssh! State secret!'

"The two pensioners then went away happily down the pier whispering to each other."

Dry humour...

BEEN to the pictures recently? Glasgow reader John McNeill tells us: "Went to see the film Mr Turner about the great landscape painter JMW Turner. I found the film quite absorbing in its depiction of the great man and his time, unlike the bloke next to me who complained to his wife on the way out that it was like watching paint dry."

It's in the bag. Not.

NOSTALGIA alert. Older readers will remember children's TV show Crackerjack and the quiz game Double or Drop where young contestants had to hold toys for every correct answer and cabbages for every wrong answer until they finally dropped one of them and the game was over. As Robert White in Kirkcudbright remarks: "Since the bag tax came into effect in Scottish shops, their car parks seem to be full of people walking around like Crackerjack contestants."

Blair's award

WE don't think Glasgow stand-up Janey Godley was impressed by former PM Tony Blair being presented with a Save The Children Global Legacy Award. As she remarked: "Tony Blair got a Save The Children Global Award! In other news Jim Davidson won best black female feminist comedy award."

Another print run?

MUCH praise for our new stablemate The National which went on a trial run this week. Someone from East Kilbride is selling copies of the first issue on trading site eBay for a tenner - and has already sold eight. Yet again we have to mutter: "Why didn't we think of that first?"