SO we now have to pay for our plastic bags in the shops, and folk continue to debate whether it is a good idea or not.

A reader hears a fellow shopper in a Marks & Spencer store ask what charity the profits from the bags go to, and the member of staff manages to recall some management information and tells her: "Marine conservation."

"Marine conservation?" barks the doubting shopper. "So how come your freezers over there are all full of dead fish?"

Any more tales from the shopping frontline?

Fans tackle identity issue

FOOTBALL fans are agog at the Ashton Lane attack on Celtic reserve keeper Lukasz Zaluska, pictured, and newspaper claims it was an unnamed fellow Premiership footballer who allegedly hit him.

As fans try to work out who the unknown assailant was, one Celtic fan declared: "It's easy. We'll just have to wait and see who Scott Brown tackles first in the next few games."

Rock and toll

GETTING old continued. A concert-going reader sums it up: "You know you're getting old when your favourite band you go and see decides to play an encore, and you start to worry as you've got work the next day and you have to get home."

Fashion loses its shine

SHOPPING tales, and Caroline Leitch on Bute tells us: "A city centre store at the weekend had a large range of sparkly and sequinned knitwear on display. A young woman beside me remarked to her pal, 'Ah hate a' thae jumpers. Thae shiny hings rub yer tan aff'.

"That's something else added to the list of things I didn't know I had to worry about."

Request nipped in the bud

A FRENCH visitor to Scotland says she was on a distillery tour the other day when an American tourist asked: "Do you have spittoons?" The guide merely explained: "We're Scottish. We don't waste the whisky."

Words of wisdom

A READER having a coffee in the West End notices the young chap at the next table is wearing a T-shirt below his jacket with the thought-provoking saying "Everything happens for a reason" on the front. There was some smaller writing below, and it took a while for our reader to make out what it said. It added the less inspirational words: "Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad choices."

Pub offer runs dry

A POSTSCRIPT to Scotland's doughty performance against Poland last week in Warsaw. Tartan Army member Charlie Neill tells us one Warsaw pub was tempting in visitors with a sign for "Drought Beer". Charlie doesn't know whether it was a simple spelling error or a subtle suggestion that there would be a run on beer - and at under two quid a pint, the Scots visitors were doing their best to make it come true.

Blowing their top

BLOWING a bit in Scotland yesterday. A colleague wanders over to interrupt us with: "I'm amazed how many people are out on the streets even though it's so windy.

"Still, hats off to them."