RENOWNED golf coach Bob Torrance was remembered by Scots pro Stephen Gallacher at a Scottish PGA lunch in Glasgow this week. Reader Robin Gilmour tells us: "Stephen recalled Bob visiting Gibraltar some years ago. When he wound down his car window to request directions from a local worthy, he said in his usual strong Ayrshire accent, 'Scuse me son, is this the right road to Gibraltar?' He was met with the reply, 'Sorry mate, I don't speak Spanish'."

OFFICE parties are in full swing just now. Jim Slavin in Linlithgow tells us of one such party where there was a buffet. A group of meat-eaters decided amongst themselves that they would all order the vegetarian option. They reasoned that the veggies would then have to do without, which amused them greatly, and there would then be plenty of meat left when they went back up for seconds.

Not really the Christmas spirit, is it chaps?.

THE other festive minefield is the Secret Santa present. How much should you spend? What should you buy? A Herald reader tells us: "For the first time I did not receive boring scarf and gloves. I think my colleagues have finally got the message after I inadvertently told the person who gave me one set that I had hated them, and passed them onto my mum. And if my daughters try to palm off their cast-offs on me they will learn the meaning of the words naughty list.

"I realise I sound churlish but I must emphasise how boring they were. If you're not going for comedy gifts, which I personally think is the whole idea of Secret Santa, the least you can do is not go into BHS and buy the first thing you see within the price limit. Secret Santa is a serious issue."

So now we know.

OH and if you have a ten pound limit to spend, fear not, you can always buy the latest Herald Diary compilation, Another Stoater, published by Black and White, which includes our favourite Commonwealth Games in Glasgow story about the wee guy in a Glasgow supermarket who explained his late-night shopping: "Ah'm across the road in the pub there wi' some English people up for the Games who have never tried tablet. Tablet! Imagine that! Cannae huv that. Poor souls." He produced his shopping bag full of it, winked and staggered into the traffic back towards the pub.

NOT everyone finds shopping easy in Glasgow just now. As one young woman told her pals: "My hatred for humanity is currently being kept in check with headphones and music. No other way to do public transport."

And if it's not the shopping, it's the colds and flu. One West of Scotland chap remarked: "I always put a cocktail stick umbrella in my Lemsip, just to cheer myself up."

SO we finally wrap up our toilet roll stories by reminding you of the, no, not old, but classic joke of the young Scots girl entering the local corner shop with a toilet roll under her arm.

"Yes Morag, how can I help you?" asked the shopkeepet.

" Well Mum says - can we have our money back cos the visitors are no coming?"

Thanks for all your cludgie memories.

YOU know the festive competition by now - change one letter in a film title. You can e-mail them in to the address at the top of the column. Today's favourites:

Neep Impact -A giant turnip-shaped meteor hits Earth (Anne Gilbride).

Murphy's Maw - Heart-warming family saga of Scottish Labour leader's early life (Christine Brooks).

Flush Gordon - Ex Labour PM finally gets his pension (Iain Lyall).

Enema At The Gates - Gut-churning tale of bad pies sold at football ground (Grant Young).

The Hinger Games - Period drama where Glasgow housewives compete to see who can lean furthest out of a tenement window (Robert Struthers).

KNOWING photographers as we do, we like this correction from the internet news site The Slate which stated: "We quoted photographer Tom Sanders as saying it takes him five years to get on the dance floor. It should have read 'five beers'."